… and then two come along at once… (well, really close together)
Having a wobble today. Don’t know why… its a constant battle in my head. I am sure that many if you with cancer or a degenerative illnesses will understand completely what I mean.
So out of nowhere… (not really nowhere as its always at the back of my mind)… my little old mind has been wandering as I have gotten really tired, like exhausted. Just like I did before I was diagnosed.
That. Is. A. Trigger… for E V E R Y T H I N G to be blown out of proportion. I am now imagining alsorts. And its tiresome to be back at this place again!! Just when I think I am dealing with life like a flippin’ rock star, the anxiety, panic and fear appears… and grows… and grows… and.. yep you got it… it GROWS!
The “what ifs- itis.” What if its back? What if its back, and bad? What if I can’t cope this time around? What if I fall apart? You know the kind of stuff, it’s the never-ending psychological effects of this bloody disease that sends me crazy!
My mind goes from one extreme to another.. The…. “Nope! I don’t want to know if it is back.” I shall become vegan.. exercise daily… never put anything that isn’t good for my body in my body! Stay totally positive… meditate more… Only use alternative remedies… never step on ants.. or cracks in the pavement…and stay as pure as the driven snow…(Yawn)
THEN… I think ‘sod it!!’ I shall live my life as I want too. I shall eat the chocolate cake (all of it) plod on the way I have been (Im still alive so thats a bonus). Keep taking the medications… learn to not moan too much about my aches and pains and live life to the absolute fullest… and to hell with the worrying. hahahaha, ok so the worrying is never gonna stop.. thats one of the ties you have with bladder cancer!
Over and over and over… and over.. it all plays out in my mind. How I will react when I am told its back…? How much further could my heart sink..? Should I just refuse more treatment and enjoy the time with my loved ones..?
Then… I call myself a ‘silly cow’, of course its not back, after all I would know, its my body. And of course I would never turn any treatment down… I am not at that place… yet!
But.. this body has betrayed me before… this body has let me down. But then I haven’t been very kind to this body in the past. I have starved it until my whole body ached and hurt. I have over-fed it… I have exercised too much and not enough….. so perhaps this IS my fault because I have cancer…
“Hello Mrs Guilt” and so it all continues…. the guilt, the fear, more guilt, more things to blame myself for… more pressure already added to the “stay positive boll#cks” box.. and its only 10am!!
I guess we have to find a happy medium that WE can live with. Somewhere between the ‘stay positive boll#cks’ box and the “omg everything is my fault“ box. Somewhere between denial and acceptance… I think… and please don’t call me out on this.. I do not believe in real acceptance until the fat lady sings… and I’m not singing yet 😂😂
How can we fully accept whats going to happen until it happens? I wont ever truly accept that I will die of this cancer.. until the sh#t hits the fan. (Fingers crossed… touch wood.. turn round clockwise 3 times and shout ‘Hurrah!’)
Its the never ending emotional side of bladder cancer (and most cancers.. I would think) that can break you at times. And do you know what?!? Wallow in the tears and emotions, do it!! You have cancer not a cold.. You are allowed to cry when you have the most horrendous, awful days.
Scream, shout, sob, eat cake, drink alcohol, eat more cake…
Just remember…
Not to stay there too long. Feel those sickening moments, the moments when you wonder how life will carry on without you.. and how much it hurts to think of having to leave your loved ones behind…. feel them, let our minds process our fears and then…
Continue with the constant balancing act that your mind is creating.. smell the roses, take time out when you need too.. TRY and enjoy the good times and I hope that the good times outweigh the not-so-good times… I think thats all we can wish and hope for…
I just don’t know. I don’t have those answers yet…
Love & hugs ❤️
Anita xx
Was trying to find a few photos for this blog and my camera made me laugh… who else has photos of their dog… random body parts (not rude)… grandchildren and them more dog, body parts….?!? 😂😂
My Big Fat British Bladder Tumour 