What a week…..

What can I say?  This week has been one of the best weeks of my cancer journey.  I was so very privileged to have been asked to write a small speech on Incurable but Treatable cancers for Macmillan’s Biggest Coffee Morning at the Houses of Parliament.  W.O.W! 😮

I am still in shock.  It was such an amazing day and despite being really nervous, I actually pulled it off and even surprised myself at how composed I was.  I really wanted to get the message out there that it isn’t all magical after treatment stops, it isn’t easy to forget that you are living with something that will kill you.

Every glorious, happy event, and moments, you have are tinged with sadness at times “Will this be my last birthday?  My last Christmas, the last time I get to celebrate New Year?”  You try as hard as you can not to live like this however it is never far from your mind.  Being able to say this In the Jubilee rooms at The Houses of Parliament was an absolute honour.  It still feels like a dream.

Being able to spread and promote awareness and the actualities of living with a terminal cancer is such privilege.  I have often wondered why I am still here?  Why haven’t I died?  Whats so special about me?  I think I now know why?  It is to help others, support others, be kind and compassionate towards others.  To make this life the BEST life I can and in serving others, I have found that.  WOW I am so fortunate to still be here. ❤️❤️

Anyways….As  I am sure you have all seen the Speech at the Houses of Parliament so I won’t waffle on too much about it. (if you haven’t where have you been lol?)   Other than really say a HUGE thank you to #Macmillan for allowing me to be there (still can’t believe it), Thank you to Lynda (the CEO of MM) Ben, Colin, Lucy….. for looking after myself, Tim and my Bestie Viv.  It was really lovely to meet everyone and if I have missed anyone out it is because this stupid brain of mine doesn’t remember a lot these days, so sorry.

Its horrid getting old isn’t it?  I think you know you are getting old when you have to “Google” how to spell words you know, you know how to spell but you just can’t remember how this very second!!!  THIS is happening a lot to me recently. 😱

Oh gosh where was I? Oh this wonderful week.. I keep watching the speech and thinking I just cannot believe that that lady standing there so confident, holding a room full of people with something she has written herself…..oh bl##dy hell thats ME!!  I just can’t believe how much I have grown, how strong I am, how funny I am?   Have you ever really sat down an thought about who you actually are??

I then held a conversation with a Lord for goodness sake.  Yes me, the foul mouthed sailor and I managed to express where my words had come from and why, without using swear words.?  OMG I just can’t believe that that is me, but it is isn’t it?

Please believe me when I write and say how overwhelming it all is and to actually be making a difference.  ITS FLIPPIN’ AMAZING! I don’t want to come across as bighearted because I’m genuinely not… Never In a million years did I ever think my life would have such a positive effect on others ❤️ this makes me happy

I had a lovely email from Colin yesterday asking me to speak at the annual “Britain Against Cancer” Conference in December….. OMG OMG OMG! OMG I am soon excited, nervous, in shock… how amazing.  What an honour.  Obviously after squealing and jumping up and down, I replied and said “Yes”.  Someone pinch me now.  He also said that he had never seen a reaction to a speech like mine… WOW… something I wrote actually had a huge effect on those people in that room.❤️

Also this week the #DyinginDignity campaign came out and I am heavily involved in this.  You are all going to be sick of the sight of me soon sorry!  So basically I want the choice on how I get to die.  I believe that we should be allowed to end our own life if our quality of life will become unbearable.  `for instance: with a terminal or life limiting illness in which we could suffer when actually.

This is hugely important to me, and to many others… please support us if you can and if you are against it, well that’s good too as this is a democracy and we are all allowed to have our own opinions.

I have just watched an advert and it was a cancer related one. I have a question… Why are we being patronised? I know they are trying to show us “cancer people” as people not as statistics but really… we aren’t all sad and upset. We aren’t all doom and gloom. More people now than ever before are living with a terminal diagnosis! Show us how we really are; laughing & joking, going to work, cleaning the loo’s because life has to go on with cancer.

Some of the adverts are so cheesy I really dislike them. Saying that I doubt I could think of anything better. Just an observation. I do love the little boy in the “Head, shoulders, cheese on toast” advert, he is a little sweetheart and I’m so glad to see a follow up advert showing that he is doing so well. ❤️

Well I think I have waffled on enough, thank you all for your lovely support and love… it makes such a wonderful difference to my life 😘

Love & hugs always 💜

Anita

#kickingcancersbutt

PET Scan Day…….

Hello you lovely lot

Today is a PET scan day… Now I hate these days for two reasons… reason 1: it is such a rigmarole.  I have to get here an hour early so that they can cannulate me down in St Martha’s (which is cancer centre of Mount Alvernia)  I get my arm “cooked” and then when its warm enough they try to cannulate me.  Now my veins are sh#t even without chemo going through them, so it does take a bit of time and a couple of ‘tries”.

Second reason is: It reminds me that we are waiting for it to comeback! Enough said there I think.

Moving swiftly on, I have been so very busy recently, not only with #bladddercancer stuff but some really exciting news (of course I did the video last week) just in case you didn’t see it…. IM GOING TO BE A NANA!  I still cant quite believe it, how very blessed we are.

This week I shall also be in London for Macmillan’s Biggest Coffee Morning at the Houses Of Parliament….OMG OMG…. just how amazing is this? What a wonderful platform to speak about ”Incurable but Treatable Cancers.” Yes I am nervous, however I cannot wait to wear my wonderful dress that #Tesco made especially for me. (I still pinch myself) I will stand there with pride and honour.   I know its not a “huge” thing  to most people however this means a lot to me.  Lets hope lots of MP actually turn up and are interested not just “doing their duty”.

There are so many wonderful, amazing stories/blogs out there.  So many people with cancer living their lives.  So many people doing brave and spectacular things to raise money for their charities and to bring awareness to their cancer.  I salute you, I normally have just about enough energy to make a coffee in the morning let alone run a bl##dy marathon. Or climb a really HUGE hill or mountain.  I wish I could be like them, a little.

It is surprising what we can achieve when we put our minds to it.  NOTHING is impossible.   We can do ANYTHING we want to  (providing it doesn’t harm or hurt anyone else). How wonderful is that? whatever your hopes and dreams are, hold on to them, believe in them and yourself and you will go a long way. Even in the face of adversity dreams can be achieved.

My dream is to just make people happy. Life is too short to spend it miserable.  I would like people to know what a walking miracle they are?  How truly fabulous it is to wake up each morning and have another day to make a change, to make a choice, to live a really great life. How lucky are we to have that?

Yes we have work, housework shopping etc, you don’t have to be miserable. If you don’t like you job, then change it… and yes it may take a bit of hard work from you, but you can change it. Housework… well no one wants to live in a pigsty do they, so it has to be done.  Turn the music on and have a boogie whilst you are doing it.  Sing your heart out, it does make it seem a lot easier to do when you are happy.

I know the world isn’t a perfect place and I know there is a great deal of sadness and evil out there. I choose not to see it. It isn’t a case of being ignorant, its a case of protecting yourself.  I find the News too much now.  Everyday just more heartache, more troubles, more stabbing, more upset and I cant cope with it all.  So… I simply now choose not to watch or ready this stuff. I know that if something important happens then I will hear about it, I just don’t actively read all the bad stuff anymore.

We need to believe in ourselves.  I was that student who would get A’s and Distinctions but still never really believed that I was worthy.  I never actual thought I was a little bit clever, I never believed in who I was. It didn’t matter what anyone else thought of me, I didn’t think that much of me at all.  How sad is that?

I bet there are lots of you out there feeling the same as I did.  Stop! Just breathe….  connect with nature, go for a long walk or just sit in a field.  Really look at everything around you, the trees, the grass.  Notice the wind… is it blowing? Or is it still?  How often do we take time out of our day just to “notice” our surroundings?

You, reading this, are totally amazing, you have the power to do anything you want to do, so do it!  You are strong enough, you are brave enough, you are enough, so set those dreams high and go for it!

Im a dreamer, Im a girl with big ideas and hope. I would like everyone to really realise just how special each day is, how special we are and how you can make your life anything you want it to be. And its NEVER too late to do anything.

Think BIG, think really BIG.  What can we do for other people on a daily basis?  You can help others simply by being “nice”.  Have you ever had a compliment on how you were looking on a particular day?  Can you remember how that made you feel?  You carried that feeling with you all day.  I bet you thought about it a few times over the day too and I bet it made you smile, more than once?

You see it’s the smallest things that make us happy, and by sharing the happiness nice we create a ripple effect….. so tell people they look amazing, be kind and open the door for someone, let another car go first. compliment others on their perfume…. so so many things we can do to make others feel good, which in turn empowers us….The secret is is in your smile… make it a big one.
WIshing you all a great day

Love & hugs

Anita
#Kickingcancersbutt (still lol)

Rainy Days… and Sundays

Today.. Well today is a good day.  A day for me! A day where I don’t have to walk Sherlock and Tim is at work.  A PJ DAY!! Hurrah, don’t you just love them?  I do and I know that I am lucky to have them.  Perhaps I shouldn’t be having so many but who cares?

Today was supposed to be about the writing and then I wanted to start reading a book I have had for a while but haven’t quite gotten round to it.  Sounds delightful doesn’t it?  It has been NOTHING like that.  I got the baking bug today, I’m covered in flour.  Why is it you only remember to put your pinny on once you are already covered in flour, butter smears and have trodden in a blob of “something” that has fallen on the floor?

I LOVE it.  I used to be really good at it. (even if I have to say that myself lol)  Now I’m a car crash just waiting to happen.  I’m inpatient, I’m forever changing the recipes to fit with what I have in the house, muscovado sugar is brown sugar right?  Sometimes I even think the recipe is boring (sorry Jamie & James) so I add an “anita twist” to it.

Those are the days where the Son decides he may just get a takeaway on the way home.  I find that a little unfair. (Boo) However on a few occasions my “anita twists” have been downright disgusting and I should just stop! Just Stop!  I just can’t help myself, I have to constantly read and re-read the recipes, checking how much is needed for this… or for that… oh thats about right I think…. lol so its no wonder nothing ever turns out to be that yummy!  I switch between wanting “perfection” and “am sure thats the right amount”

On the days where I have cooked a MASTERPIECE.  You know the one, the one that does actually belong on “Masterchef,’  I usually have no idea how I have made it as I have just chucked “this and that in” and I never measure.  So what tastes good one week, may not taste the same the next time it is cooked.  In fact it could almost be a completely different recipe.

We used to laugh about “Sausage Surprise”.  That was Jean, from Eastenders and I guess I can relate to her and her portrayal of someone with Bipolar.  I have moments wheres its ll full on.  If I’m doing something, I am “DOING IT WITH FLAIR” ,with enthusiasm  and its usually over the top.

If you are like me, you have about 3 things on the go at once, Olive bread up in the airing cupboard proving, making parmesan cookies and have lemon cupcake in the oven AND I’m still wondering what else I can do?  We won’t talk about the 3 ingredient rolls, they came out looking like light brown dog poops!

I hadn’t thought it through when I decided to do a lemon drizzle cake in a long loaf tin…. I cut it in half and it still wouldn’t fit so I cut a huge chunk off the end and ate it.. Perfect! Problem solving abilities!

Im loving it, I have the radio on, singing along to Bewitched. Sherlock is in the lounge napping as he knows there is no chance of getting a treat off me.  I know I’m not a great baker or chef but I try.  I really do.  And it helps me.  Its therapeutic, its calming, unless you are me and are now looking for the wooden spoon you like.

My favourite wooden spoon… I think I threw it out when I was delcuttering, a few weeks ago.. Nagdamnit. I knew I shouldn’t of thrown it away.  Yes it was broken and a little bit burnt, but I liked it, i liked the way it “spooned” lol.

I am making bits and bobs for the Hubs’s lunchbox.  I feel a little bit like  50’s housewife however I have my sarong tied above my boobs and my pink fluffy slipper boots on… and no make up, I doubt any self respecting 50’s house wife would be constantly tying up her sarong whilst one of her boobs, tries to make an escape as I bend down to open the oven door.   OUCH!  Hot boobs!

I take a break and come and sit, I can hear the rain on the conservatory roof, its pleasant but if it gets and harder it will drive me mad. Its so loud and Im in a quiet, withdrawn place today.

The oven pings…. oh golly gosh, my flapjack things are done… they look ok.  The recipe says cut them into 12 now and then let them cool. I try to but its not working….. For some reason they are falling apart, crumbling, disintegrating into nothing. Another lot for the bin, although I will see if I can rescue them by just pressing them back together……NOPE…. Maybe!

Must go and check the olive bread…… brb (omg haven’t used that since the Yahoo chatrooms of the 90’s) Ok so the olive bread needed to be kneaded again and then left to rest.  I quickly had another go of making the parmesan biscuits too.  They look better this time, so thats in the fridge chilling.

The flapjacks are a bit crumbly however they are nice….. I do love baking…. What I really don’t like is the amount of washing up it creates. For goodness sake I think I have now washed the same bl##dy bowl out about 5 times now.  Its endless and then its like playing adult “Jenga” trying to balance everything on top of each other so it can all dry.

Oh and then the one thing that you need right now, that small measuring jug is underneath the vast mountain.  Good luck getting it without it all falling and knocking the fruit bowl off the side.  (Stupid place to put the fruit bowl, however it looks classy)

Also not forgetting the “bin” where you have chucked those eggshells in because you haven’t quite gotten round to “composting”.  (Is that still a thing?). The empty packet of flour which can’t be recycled because you dropped an egg on it.  Its “tainted.”   That too gets thrown in the already rather full bin.

Urgh… so much mess to clean up, not forgetting the Dog, who came in to say hi. He sniffed and snuffled over the floor and then left.  When he left he had stood in “something” that was on the floor and has now proceeded to walk it in to the living room…. OMG I need this lemon wipes now!

The bin, which hasn’t been emptied in days and has just been “pushed” down to create more room for more rubbish, has now decided it doesn’t want to be emptied.  I have tied the handles together, and my fluffy slippers are holding on to the bottom of the bin whilst I’m pulling away….. arrrggghhhhhh!

Giving the bag a wiggle, trying to ease it out gently… raaaarrrrrrrrr… Nope, its positively stuck in there.  Makes me remember a time when I suggested to the Hubs that perhaps we could dill a hole into the bottom of the bin, thus breaking the suction.  He agreed it was a great idea…. yet to be accomplished!

I wrestle with the bin, for about 20 minutes, …. well maybe a slight exaggeration, could  of been  about 2 minutes but it definitely felt like a long time.  I decide to leave that job for the Hubs, in the hallway, for when he gets in and will, no doubt, remind him of “drilling a hole” conversation.  Implying that, if that had been done then I would of emptied the bin.  (yeah right)  I can’t be trusted with a drill otherwise I would have a go myself.

Off to check on the Olive bread now.  I absolutely love olive bread and have discovered a great recipe.  Today I have added other stuff into the dough , so its all a bit of a “wait and see” moment.  Update have checked the oven and its not looking good.   I check the bottom of the tin of yeast I used, it said 2016…. Opps! I think thats perhaps why it hasn’t risen.  So off to do another one……

Still if they ever give out medals for being a “Tryer’ I should have wall full.  You see thats what life is about “Trying”.   Trying isn’t failing.  Trying isn’t anything to be ashamed of.  Being a “Tryer” means you are fabulous.   You will give anything a go and will put 110% into it.  You will experience so many beautiful things that life has to offer.  And whilst it doesn’t always go your way, you pick yourself up and go and find something else to “Try”.  The World needs “Tryers”

If it makes you happy and doesn’t hurt anyone else in the process then carrying on.  Baking makes me happy, and I will try to bake or cook anything.  Sometimes we are grateful for the local takeaways.

It does take another 3 frikkin days to clean the kitchen up, as I am forever finding bits of flour behind the toaster or behind the mixer.  I swear it wasn’t there when I was cleaning up.

Tonight the darling Hubs has a seafood spaghetti thanks to Jamie O.  Did struggle where to get bl##dy squid ink at 3,50pm on a Sunday?   So have given it an “Anita’s twist” and have used oyster sauce with a bit of soy sauce, fingers crossed and lets hope for the best. (update added a squish of lemon juice too)

I guess if there was ever a “moral” for this post, its “keep on trying” even if you are rubbish at it, keep doing it if you enjoy it.

Love and hugs

Anita

#kickingcancersbutt

Mental Health Day

Yesterday was #worldmentalhealthday and for this the Hubs, Sherlock and I went on a rather long, but slow, walk on the sea front.  You see we don’t often take time out of our busy days to focus on ourselves.  Life is usually filled with chores, shopping and writing.

I had noticed for a while that both the Hubs and I were stuck in a rut, doing the same things over and over again, each day seemed to blend into another day and to be perfectly honest we were beginning to drift apart.  Not through anyones fault but due to the pressure of this life.

I have my writing to keep me busy and The hubs has his motorbike and friends.  I began to notice we were living almost seperate lives apart from our “home life” which is basically chores, all work and no play.  I had become aware that I wasn’t feeling fulfilled nor particularly happy.  My health issues had begun to take over and I was lacking in sleep., BIG TIME!

I cannot remember the last time I slept all night, certainly not since my bladder removal, last year.  I put this down to having night bag attached to me, making it difficult when I am tossing and turning in bed. My body felt achey, my limbs heavy, my mind was all over the place.  Emotionally I was worn out.

I take medication for my bipolar disorder daily so I know my “triggers’, I know what to look for when I am not feeling well.  I had begun to not enjoy my music.  This is a huge trigger as music is my lifeline.  Music has always been my saviour.  For now, I would drive the car in silence, there would be no singing my head off to the Foo’s, no wailing alongside some 80’s music.  This signalled to me that there was a problem.

I also loved taking Sherlock out for our special walk each morning, however this had begun to feel like a chore. I was snappy, irritable and shouting a lot at the cats for getting under my feet all the time.  I had even stopped baking, something which I love doing. Even a visit from the Son brought more anxiety than it did happiness.  Something had to give.

On the outside and others I still appeared to be the “same old Anita”, smiling away,  I would try to be so happy on the outside and yet on the inside I was struggling.  Struggling with life!  I had begun to spend a lot of time in my pjs, on the sofa, not really doing much. I didn’t have the attention span to watch a whole film, no matter how good the film was.

By the time the Hubs got home, I was frustrated, frustrated and annoyed that he had been able to go out and live his life and yet here I was, struggling with the heart failure, fluid on the lungs, Raynauds and the bloody Erythromyalgia.  I felt I had “become” my illnesses.  Fed up, p##sed off and so unhappy with myself.

So what could I do? How could I get out of this “slump.” How could I try and take control back and feel happier?  The first thing I needed to address was my sleeping issues.  I had some sleeping tablets in the cupboard which were mine, I just hadn’t used them, so I decided that I would take 2 that evening.

I was becoming an emotional wreck, crying because I felt so exhausted.  I would wake up at 4am, lie there till 5.30am and then get up.  I would try and tackle the day as I usually would but everything was so much more difficult.  Walking Sherlock was exhausting, doing the shopping was awful, and I was becoming much more irritable than I have been, and swearing at old ladies isn’t a route I wanted to go down.

I took the tablets and went off to bed.

7am!! 7am thats what time I woke, I cannot remember the last time I slept till 7am.  I felt refreshed, I felt that I had slept, properly.  After having a chat with the Hubs, he informed me that I must of snored for most of the night, that I didn’t toss nor turn.  I was dead to the world.  WOOO HOOO

We then sat down to work out what to do about our ‘mental health,’   and how to look after our souls and spirit.  The Hubs takes antidepressants due to the rocky journey we are on.  So it has been so important to find things to do to help us both.  To lift our moods and make us connect again with each other.

Lets face it ‘LIFE’ does get in the way of everything, it can become monotonous, it can become boring, the same old stuff every day…. YAWN!  So we have decided that we will take time for “US”.

We took a lovely walk to Petworth Park,with Sherlock and yesterday we went to the seaside and walked again, so exercising and clearing out the cobwebs too!

We are committed to each other, we love each other, we both suffer with depression so its always easy to slip into bad habits, however we are aware this is my “extra time” this is my “bonus” time and we want to make this happy time, not just me sat waiting to die.  So we now have put things place.  Things that we can do for each other and ourselves.

Team Brown 1 Mental Heath 0

Have a great day ❤️❤️

Love & hugs always 💜

Anita

#kickingcancersbutt

What’s New Pussycat?

The days are getting colder, the daylight is beginning to not-so-much, creep, but it is definitely running away from us.  It was pitch black at 7.30pm yesterday.  Autumn’s definitely arriving.   You leave the house at 7.30am.  You can see the webs that the spiders have made overnight.  You can see your breath when you breathe and the air con in the car is switched onto “Sauna” settings.

And then: it warms up like you are back on holiday in the Bahamas.   It gets to 10am, you are stripping off those layers.  “Good God whose idea was it to wear a jumper and a hoodie?  And why on earth did I think tights were a good idea?”

Well played Autumn, you have us all wanting to carry around summer clothes and we just don’t know whether to wear the mittens Great Aunt Elsie gave us last year for Christmas!

One minute you think you can spot the Abombinal Snowman and the next minute, you are in the freezer aisle at Tesco’s, with the door open to their ice cream.  Then around 4.30pm, there is a sudden dip in temperature and you are rushing for your hoodie and gloves again. (I am sure that this should count for part of our 30 minute daily exercise routine)

I have had such an amazing last few months.  I count my lucky stars to be this fortunate in life.  I have made new friends and reconnected with old ones.  It has been truly wonderful.   I have learnt a lot about myself recently too, I feel so honoured to write my blogs for you all and Im genuinely still amazed that anyone reads it.

The book is coming along nicely.  Im really happy with how it is coming across and I’m sure there isn’t another book like it out there.  Unique, funny and real.  Thats how I think I would describe it. (with sooooo much swearing because sometimes only a f#ck will do) and according to a well know Indian Guru, Osho, it is the most versatile and beautiful word in the world!

Yesterday I went to a Macmillan “Living with Cancer and Beyond” event.  I can honestly say it was such a wonderful few hours, with some dear friends.  I also managed to do my HoP speech, in front of around 50 other people.  It went really well and I was honoured to be able to share it with other Cancer Sufferers.  The only thing was my bottom couldn’t stop shaking, it was like it had a mind of its own.  I shall have to work on that.

If you get the chance to go to one of these Macmillan events, please go as its such an informative morning.  There are stalls and stands with lots of information, some about free therapies and we even found some wonderful ladies who gave us some Reiki.

Only 27 days to go til I get to go to Parliament. I shall be in the Jubilee room and giving my speech on “Incurable but Treatable Cancers.”  I feel really honoured to of been asked to do this and Im really hoping that I will do myself proud and not manage a spectacular social pau faux! 😱 Time will tell.

A HUGE thank you to #Tesco who had my lovely dress made for me, so that I shall dazzle the MP’s when doing my speech. I really cannot thank them enough, I shall feel like a princess ❤️

Obviously the super snuggly #Lidl socks will be replaced by my stylish boots 😂😂 (£2.49 and they are sooooo cosy… popcorn socks)

Its nearly time for #Urologyawarenessmonth to end.  It has been my pleasure to try and help spread awareness for all things urology.  We still need to get the message out there that whatever issue you are suffering with, you don’t have to do this alone and there is help out there.  I have spent a lot of my life being embarrassed about my issues.  Please don’t be like me, get some help.

I have a PET scan on Monday, I’m not that worried as I am sure I would  know if the evil cancer was back.  So fingers crossed for yet another clear scan.  Obviously the anxiety is still there as I have to turn up early for a cannula and then there is the waiting for the radioactive stuff to go round my body.  All in all its a 4 hour round trip and then I’m confined indoors for the rest of the day. Oh! not forgetting nothing to eat and no coffee in the morning, still it will be wonderful to hear Dr S say “all clear again”

Anyways…. have a wonderful day whatever you are up too!

Love & hugs always 💜

Anita

#kickingcancersbutt

Im sick of this Cancer too!

At first , when you are diagnosed with any type of cancer, you will find amazing support.  People will come out of the woodwork, and send flowers and balloons to show their care. (I flipping love balloons) You will have soon much support and love, it will be mind blowing.

Once you have surpassed your ‘prognosis” people seem to think you are “cured”  or in “remission” and that you don’t need any support anymore.  They think you are fine.  This is NOT true.  It seems to get harder the longer I live.  There seems to be more emotions to deal with, not only yours but your close family and friends too.

They have all been on this hellish journey with you, they all expected you to be dead by now, but you aren’t so where does that leave them?   Of course they are happy that you are still alive and breathing, but this isn’t how it was supposed to be was it?  What exactly is gong to happen now?  “Who knows” is the answer.

We are living in limbo land, no mans land, the abyss….. You have to make some sense of it, somehow……

The Hubs is having a hard time right now, he is short tempered, he doesn’t have a lot of patience, he is struggling.  Helping him to see that there is a problem has had its downfalls.  He began to drink too much, even on a school night, he became someone I didn’t know as never having seen this side of him.

I would ask him what was wrong, and he honestly told me that he didn’t know, he was just enjoying ‘drinking”.  I feel it was an escape for him, an escape from this never ending  hell that we have found ourselves in. Too scared to plan for the future, as the future isn’t promised to me.  Too frightened to speak about what was really on his mind, incase he upset me.  This perpetual circle, going round and round and round….

If does seem funny, as my life is now filled with purpose and meaning.  I have found my place in the world, for now.  His life is not how he expected it.  How do you cope with being told your wife is going to die…. and then she doesn’t?  That has to mess up your mind at some point. I don’t think he is sat there with a voodoo doll and pins, and I know he is so grateful that I am still alive, it just doesn’t take way from the fact that he was told he would be spending his life on his own, the outlook was grim.

Its funny how your diagnosis can have such a traumatic affect on others. It isn’t just about me, its about everyone who knows me.  Who cares for me, who loves me. And whilst some can deal with it, others can’t.  I have to accept that.

I recently reconnected with a friend who I haven’t seen for over a year and a half. I always though that I had done something wrong.  I hadn’t, it was that she couldn’t cope with any more sadness in her life, having lost a few members of her immediate family, and distanced herself as she didn’t think she could cope with me dying as well.  It made me so sad to hear this.  She had to do what was right for herself and I totally understand her reasons.

So back to the Hubs.. he reached out to his boss, and is waiting for counselling.  It seems silly that I’m doing ok at the moment, and he falls apart now.  Yet for two and a half years he has remained strong, he has remained at my side.  Through all the health issues, the Raynaud’s, the Erythromyalgia, the moderate heart failure, the pancreas and the liver not playing nice, these are all reminders that Im not well.  These all impair my life, which in turn affect his life.

We have the reminders that the cancer WILL come back, small cell is sneaky, fast growing and aggressive.  The PET scans every 3 months so that when it does come back, we can jump on it fast.   My stoma and bag serve as a reminder of what we have both been though.  I cannot imagine what it must of been like for the Hubs, having to watch me go through something that he couldn’t help with.

One thing that I am so grateful for is that we talk.  It may take some time but we do eventually get there.  He is able to tell me how he feels, how helpless and lost he feels. How it isn’t fair.

Cancer isn’t fair!  We look to the future with a small amount of hope and faith….

B038074ANIBRO40

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Road to self-love is a mess

Wow that’s all I can say… you are an amazingly strong young woman x

renegade7x

img_4028

Hey. Let me tell you short story or more like a confession of mine that I still can’t believe I’m actually gonna write all down after never ever speaking to anybody about this.

There will be a lot of trigger warnings in this article and probably a lot of judgement of my person and that’s totally ok. So here I go:

Based on the title of this article you might have guessed correctly that this will be about how I become more self-aware, self-confident, proud of myself for everything I came through and everything I  become. It wasn’t pretty road but it was mine and it was the one that led me to this confession moment.

Since I was a kid I was always a little overweighted, nothing serious just maybe 5 kg over the standard. I had genetically wider hips and all my fat would attack to my lover…

View original post 2,345 more words