Anxiety strikes!

Yesterday was going to be a great day. I was starting an Aqua Fit group at our local lesuire centre. I’m sure that I have mentioned that I have overhauled our diets (mine & Tims).

This has had a fabulous effect on both of us. Secretly I am feeling pretty darn smug! (Well not so secretly now) The problem I seem to have is… well… there isn’t enough hours in the day anymore 😱 I am enjoying the walking, it is just taking up lot of my day now…

I am getting up and having a coffee then taking Sherlock out. I am walking for a good few hours, this is helping me with my fitness and my mind. I have been feeling a little low for a while and whilst I tell myself it is just the “January blues” I often worry it could be a sign of me not coping!

I don’t know about you but I have a facade that I can put on, it’s a good one and no one other than me, knows that I’m having a hard time. I do this, for me, to save face, to stop others from worrying.. and because if I am lucky, it will pass without any major incidents.

So this brings me to yesterday and aqua fit. I was looking forward to going, yet it was only as the time grew closer that I could feel panic rising from my tummy. “Who else would be there?” “Would I know anyone?” “Where are the toilets” (this is a new one due to Sally Stoma) “Will I wear my wig or not?” “What if it gets wet (doh) and falls off”…, and so on… you get the picture.

Now the thing is I am so much more confident than I have ever been in my whole life. If you meet me you would never know I have anxiety issues and that I am prettified of grown ups.. I cover it well, so well that sometimes I even fool myself.

Cut to the leisure centre, I park,

Take several deep breaths and walk in. There are about 5 older women in front of me, all paying for aqua fit. I wait my turn, anxiety building, the Receptionist says something I don’t quite hear due to the thumping in my ears. I ask her to repeat herself and she does, happily and nicely. “Ok I have got this.”

I walk down the corridor not really knowing where I am going, I see the sign saying “changing rooms” and go to go in. I can see through the glass on the door that there are lots of people. My heart beats faster, thump thump thump thump.. my face stings as I can feel myself “flushing” thank for I have waterproof foundation on.

A lady comes through the door with me and the same time, I take a breath and say “are you here for the aqua fit? I’m on my own and feeing a little anxious.” She smiles and says yes. She is here with her husband and of course I can tag along with her.

I feel rather proud of me! Actually asking for help, taking control and not letting anxiety win. I go to a cubicle and get changed. I decide that no wig will be worn and that I will just buy a swimming hat in future. I get into my costume. Big deep breaths!

I hold my head high and go to the lockers. Omg so many people are turning up for aqua fit! What did I expect? I try to pay no attention to anyone and yet my head is now wondering how to get to the pool, I don’t even know where it is, oh bloody hell!

My hand runs down to my bag. I need to empty it before I get into the pool. Oh god! Where are the loo’s? I struggle with finding a locker. There’s one, at floor height. I put my clothes and bag in, I try to lock it.. it won’t work…. why won’t it work? Omg seriously am I that stupid I can’t work out how a locker works?!?! Panic begins to rise…

Someone bangs into me by mistake. I try and different £1… it still doesn’t work… the noise, oh gosh it has gotten so noisy… my heart starts to race again, I struggle with the locker door…

Someone says something to me, I just look at him, I can see his mouth move but I can’t hear him. My heart is pulsating in my ears, it’s all too noisy, I grab my stuff and go back to the changing room. I hurry and change into my clothes…. I can feel tears forming in my eyes, panic is settling in… I have to get out of here NOW!

I try to leave they the doors that I came in, they won’t open, I claw at the small gap, desperately trying to leave, with my boots and bag in my hand, half of my clothes on, the other thrown into my purple bag. Someone sees me, she pushes the door, I don’t even know if I thanked her, I ran…. ran for my life (ok a little dramatic)

Just as I was leaving through the main doors, I’m aware someone have grabbed my arm and is talking to me. It takes a few seconds… it is the fitness instructor saying something… I mutter “I have to go home” and then I run, I burst into tear and I run to my car.

I get in and drive. I become aware that I must of stood on a thorn. There was no time to put my boots on. I drive, I drive to my safe place… the place I know where nothing can touch me, tears running down my face, sobbing my heart out. Feeling like a fool, an idiot.. I mean what person gets so worked up about aqua fit?

I run to the house and burst through the door. The Hubs is there, holding me, telling me it’s ok, saying it’s all going to be fine… I have got to the stage where I can’t stop sobbing. He hold me. He tells me it’s ok… he says maybe next time he will come and watch me.

I try and tell him not to be ridiculous, in-between the sobs. I am a grown women of 48, I should be able to go to aqua fit on my own.

Slowly my breathing slows, the tears subside, the panic leaves as quick as it came… The Hubs makes a cup of tea and I feel like a fool….

For the rest of the day, I feel vulnerable, emotionally exhausted… and a little stupid. I email the fitness trainer and am just honest, saying that I became overwhelmed and had to leave. A little while later I receive a reply, telling me not to worry and she will see me tomorrow for the gym (bingo wings time)

She also says she will runs through things with me so I know where the toilets are, where the pool is and will show me the lockers and how to use them. That has settled my mind a little, knowing someone understands.

It is 6.52am as I write this, the gym is at 12! Wish me luck

As always

Love & hugs

Anita

#kickingcancersbutt and working on anxiety

My Year so Far…

Hellloooo, ❤️

Well, I don’t know about you but January certainly seems to be dragging its heels.. it’s the 13th and yet in my head we should be nearer the end of the month by now 😂 or maybe it’s because I am getting so much done at the moment, I am surprising myself 😜

I hope that you are all doing as well as you can be and that life is settling back to normal after Christmas? January always seems to be one of the longest months ever! (Have I mentioned this? 🤣)

After spending a lot of Christmas in pain, I have decided that something has to change as this is meant to be about quality of life now and yet most days I am taking pain medication. I am not moaning I just know that it’s down to me to change things in my life.

I have given up drinking because of my liver, and smoking , for overall health reasons and shouldn’t really be smoking. Now I am concentrating on what I put into my body. Really focusing on the foods, herbs and spices that will heal my body from the inside. (Hopefully 🤞🏻)

A few weeks on, it’s still early days and my body is still showing signs of inflammation but I am determined that this is a life change not a quick fix or a diet.. and it isn’t about losing weight it’s about me feeling pain free and being able to achieve the things I want to do! (It’s been 13 and a half days since my last cupcake……)

I will be documenting my progress on Bladdercancer.net in the form of articles and videos, so keep a look out if you want to see how I get on. I am trying and eating foods I never thought I would. 😱

I am also being interview for a Sunday paper supplement this week.. eek exciting… and it means I will be able to spread awareness of bladder cancer and Dying in Dignity, both of which are close to my heart. I’ll let you know how that goes..

One thing that I started last year is a “gratitude diary” so every day I am writing 3 or more things down that I am grateful for. This gets you to really think about your life and what you are thankful for. I am loving it, it just takes a few minutes a day to do and reminds you of all the good things in your life. ❤️❤️

Health wise, I am plodding on, high inflammation markers in my body and my hand keeps swelling up. I am due to have an ultrasound and X-ray on it next week! I am also due a PET scan within the next 2-4 weeks, I can’t quite remember so will wait for Nish to call.

I have recently discover “the Ranges.” I used to walk there a long time ago and due to being too lazy to drive to Oakhanger, I decided to see how good they were for Mine and Sherlock’s morning walk. Well we are loving it! So peaceful, so beautiful. ❤️

A huge thank you to all of you who are supporting the current Dying in Dignity campaign, in which I am involved in. We all need to think about our deaths and how/what we would like. Have those conversations with this who you love so that THEY know what your wishes are.

We are working towards trying to get the Law changed on “Assisted Dying”, not just me, but many many people face a agonising and painful death which just isn’t necessary in this day and age and as many people have pointed out, we would treat our pets with more compassion than we do our fellow human beings.. for more info please see http://www.dyingindignity.org.uk

I am trying to be more organised this year (😂😂😂😜) which for a Sagittarius is no mean feat! I am trying to create a Menu for the week ahead, that way there will be no more wasting food (I hate that) and we will know what is in the house to cook AND we won’t waste money buying things we don’t need!

The first week went well apart from I forgot that there are 7 days in a week not 6 (I seriously wonder about myself everyday 😮) but fear not, we didn’t starve, we just had to go food shopping!

I am also trying to work my life on a rota system.. so each week, say on a Monday, the bathroom and bedroom get cleaned, on a Wednesday the living room gets done etc.. is this really bonkers or taking it too far? Or am I a genius who is saving herself time? Only time will tell 😁😉

Who knows how long this will last 🤪 I am one for starting things and never quite finishing them….

Today we are going to my in Laws for dinner. Really looking forward to seeing them, they are really lovely people and I think my Father in Law is going to teach me “cribbage.” Apparently you have to be ok at adding up and multiplying numbers… I think it’s going to be a very quick game 🤪🤪

Anyhoo, wishing you all a fabulous Sunday, whatever you are up too…

love & hugs ❤️

Anita

#kickingcancersbutt

And so it begins…. 2019!

Have you ever had a day when you felt really “grown up?” Today is that day for me.. I don’t know why today is the special “grown up” day, it just is.

It’s January, 6th 2019! WOW! 2019!! When I was little, I used to think that we would all be living on the moon and having space aged gadgets.

Ok, so we aren’t living on the moon but look how far technology has come. We have phones which we can take pictures with! We can send emails! We can watch films! We can search the internet! There is a thing called “the internet.”

I don’t really know where I am going with this post, I think it might be about being grateful about your life and who and what you have in it.

It dawned on me the other day that I have a pretty amazing life. The simple fact that I have a life right now is just mind blowing, especially when you think back to 3 years ago. (3!! I can’t believe it, can you?)

I have a warm and loving home. I have a wonderful family, who are much like yours. We all have our faults, differences and quirks but I wouldn’t be without them, they are who makes my life so special and challenging at the same time.

Never in a million years did I ever think I would have this life. Never did I think I would be a “normal” member of society. I have mental health issues, bipolar 2 to be exact!

There was a time when I went off the rails, and yet I couldn’t see it. There was a time when I was an absolute train wreck, bouncing off people and friends. There was a time when my life felt so dark, I felt so alone and yet I had the biggest smile on my face. There was a time when I felt so numb inside, so completely empty and dead, I never thought I would be able to “feel” anything, ever again.

And yet here I am! Sat on my sofa, married to the most wonderful, good man, who makes me laugh every single day. With a grown up Son, who struggles at times, with life, but has the biggest heart I have ever seen.

Here I am with a wonderful relationship and friendship with my Aunt, which I never knew was possible. And I love it. Here I am with relationships with my Mother and Sister that I never thought would ever happen.

Here I am with such wonderful, amazing and gregarious friends. There was a time when I felt I didn’t have any friends, I had driven them away with my behaviour.

I remember a day when I just didn’t want to be alive anymore. I was so tired of the extreme happiness and the desperate lows. My emotions were all over the place, I thought I didn’t belong in this world. I couldn’t cope… I wrote a letter so my Son explaining that he would be better off without me and that I was sorry but I couldn’t take all the pain that I felt in my heart anymore.

I didn’t want the daily struggle with my mind, anymore. I couldn’t keep the pretence up, that I wasn’t coping with life. I just couldn’t….

I poured myself a lot of vodka and took a lot of pills. I cried, I sobbed, I screamed… I became so overcome with emotion that my cries and tears became silent. I was totally empty of angst, there was nothing left inside me.

And then I puked! I puked a lot!

I could see half digested food, the smell alone was enough to make you sick. The sweet smell of alcohol, on its return journey with unrecognisable blobs of food, lovely!

I think I slept for a while. Upon waking the stench hit me, my head felt funny, my eyes, so so sore. I got a drink of water…. f#cking hell I couldn’t even kill myself right!

And that’s when I started to laugh. Not a giggle or a guff but a full on belly laugh! “Goodness me” (or words to that effect 🤪) “this must mean I am meant to still be here”

Those memories are still so raw, still so painful! I’m not sure what lesson I learnt that day other than drinking neat vodka and taking pills, burns and hurts your throat and gives you the biggest headache ever (as well as bad pains elsewhere).

I guess what I want to say is that “no matter how tough, hard or completely exhausting” you find life, hang on in there. Keep learning and growing… life can get better…

I am the living proof.

I am so thankful for today ❤️

Love & hugs 💖

Anita

#stillkickingcancersbutt

And finally being a grown up… 😁

P.S. the hubs and I are going to start a Christmas shopping scene jigsaw…. old Anita would of rather poked her eyes out with a very large stick, than do a jigsaw…. Nana Nita is really excited about the jigsaw, Grandson and whatever else 2019 will bring ❤️

What a Wonderful Month…

Wow, I have been blessed and have been so busy recently, so many wonderful things to look forward to and to take part in.  I am so fortunate that I have been able to raise awareness of bladder cancer and Neuroendocrine cancers.

I spoke at the All Party Parlimentary Group on Cancer at the absolutely amazing Methodist Hall in Westminster.  WOW such a breathtaking building, with a sweeping staircase.  I felt I needed a ballgown to be able to just “float” down those stairs.

It was such a wonderful experience and a huge thank you to Macmillan for asking me to speak at the event.   I really feel honoured and humbled to have taken part, and if my words just touched one person and helped to change perceptions of the incurable/terminally ill cancer patients then I think I will have done what I set out to do.  (Obviously raising awareness of bladder cancer at the same time)

What made my speech so special was that My Aunt and Uncle were there too, along with Tim.  I wanted  to make them proud of who I am and what I am doing.  I guess  its a bit like when you were little and took part in the nativity and your parents came along… thats how I felt. 

This month has also brought the Dying in Dignity campaign as well.  Featuring Yours Truly.  I know that this is a very emotive subject and that we all entitled to our own opinions and that we all have differing opinions.  I fully support #assisteddying as the thought of dying a horrible painful death from cancer is just too much to bear. 

The campaign has gone down well and hopefully people will see that I am just a normal person, with an incurable/terminal disease who would like to take control of my own death and to be really frank I cannot understand why the law hasn’t been passed.  I do understand that safeguards need to be in place.

Im pretty happy with the responses I have received from joining this campaign and they have been mostly positive.  I guess there are always going to be people who say that assisted dying is “suicide” which it is not.   For me it would just give me a reassurance that in my final days/hours I won’t be sedated and kept sedated until my body dies of starvation and dehydration. 

I guess to sum it the last month up, it has been informative and exciting.  who knew that out of something so terrible as a terminal cancer diagnosis, something so good could happen.

Oh and let’s not forget the Daily Mail article….. I hang my head in shame!

Now… its nearly christmas and I push my focus onto my friends and family, whom I love so dearly.  Im super excited this year as our son and his family are staying with us over the festive period,  This means that “Nana Nita” gets lots of practise with the gorgeous Kane and Rowan. 

Its also my birthday on Monday (17th) and usually I am so so so excited about it.  This year, not so much and I am not sure why.  Perhaps it could be that I don’t want to acknowledge that time is passing by although I really have no problem with being 48! 

48…. I really cannot begin to believe that I am nearly 50… It seems just like yesterday that Ashleigh was born and I was in my 20’s and now my baby boy will be 25 on the 27th December.  Where did all that time go?  We blinked and life changed.   

I am so so thankful to still be alive, to still be here, living and breathing and although most days I am in pain, I am having a great life.  Its manageable and on the days it isn’t manageable I have pjs days.  I am determined not to let any of my illnesses define who I am.  I am not my illnesses. 

Erythromyalgia is absolutely awful.  It affects my muscles, my hands and feet, makes my skin feel like I am on fire.  This is getting me down right now, hopefully we will get the medication right soon.  My hand and feet swell and get red hot.  They hurt to use them.  

My feet also get red hot and swell, but this year we have the added bonus of having Raynauds’ as well.  It seems my illnesses are contradictions of each  other.  So I also get numb fingers and toes but my feet feel still feel hot, its the toes and the fingers that go white and numb.

The photo below was just from getting the milk out of the fridge, my fingers turning numb and white. My palms have red splodges on them which is the erythromyalgia 😱

 Last year I had chilblains too.  Chilblains!! I had no idea what they were until the Consultant told me,  I knew my toes hurt badly and just thought I had knocked them. Anyhoo, enough of the moaning and whinging.

I would like to say a huge thank you to you all for supporting us over the last 2 and a half years.  Seems amazing to think I have lasted this long when the diagnosis wasn’t that good.  Thank goodness for chemo/radiotherapy and bladder removal.

So from my family to yours….. We wish you the most Wonderful Christmas ever and a fabulous New Year.

Love & hugs always 

Anita ❤️😘 XX


Please Stop Shaming Us….

So yesterday I reposted a post I wrote  year ago.  It was a very hard post to write and to share with the everyone.  However I decided a long time ago that if I was to share my cancer journey then I would share the good, the bad and all the stuff in between. 

This post was called “Dear Cancer” and it was written by me when I fell apart.  I fell apart as I wasn’t suppose to still be here, to still be alive.  I felt that people were talking about me, that they were thinking that I was a fraud.  I was meant to be dead and yet here I was strutting my stuff, not looking ill either. 

Based on outside appearances, I was rocking life. There looked like there was “nothing wrong” with me.  This is the thing we may look great on the outside but internally, my poor body was struggling to cope with side effects of treatments.

Emotionally, oh my goodness.  I was all over the place. I was struggling, we had blown our savings on making memories and yet here I was, still breathing.  I was still alive, this was not what I was told.  I was told I would be dead by now.  I wondered if my family and friends, although grateful that I was alive, also wondered why I was still breathing?

So where was I?  Oh yes I reshared the post.  I know that social media is a place of free expression and its where we can comment, both good and bad comments.  Yesterday I got a shock.  I received a comment that worried me and to be honest isn’t the first.  Usually if you write anything heartfelt or emotional, someone, somewhere usually puts something about “positivity”.

So this is the comment…… ” what about your POSITIVITY AND HOPE, ANITA ITS CALLED REAL LIFE I’VE BEEN WALKING ROUND WITH IT FOR 59 YEARS AND STILL WALKING AND GOING TO CONTINUNE TIL I GO, HOLD ON IN MY PRAYERS.”  

At first I was taken back. This person doesn’t know me.  They doesn’t know how positive I am or not.  What they have done is read a post and “judged” me on that post.  They haven’t bothered to notice that I had written this post a year ago nor do they know about MY rare cancer! It’s not a normal NET!

Now its bad enough we get judged on a daily basis just for being us (with or without an illness) but please do not tell me how to live with MY illness.  MY cancer.  Just because you may have the “same type” on the surface does not give you the right to challenge ME on how I deal with things.  To try and make me feel ashamed with the way I have dealt with things.

I don’t want to do “my cancer is worst than yours” rubbish as everything is relative.  We all deal with situations differently because we are different people and we all have very different coping mechanisms.  

My journey and my emotional and physical pain is no different to yours, its no better, its no worse.  Things may seem totally insignificant to you but maybe for me they are challenges, they are emotional struggles and just because someone has sailed through their journey doesn’t make it any better or any less emotional or painful than my journey.

I am really getting fed up with being judged, with being told to stay positive and to have hope or faith.  I am fed up of being shamed for how I feel at any given moment.  

It seems that we are being judged and shamed by a small minority of others going through their own Cancer journey and others who have absolutely any idea of what we are going through.  But just because you have cancer or not, does not give you the right to shame someone else into feeling bad about themselves, just because they aren’t dealing with things they way you would deal with it. Thats not ok. Really NOT ok.

I hate these words “be positive, be brave” they are the most patronising and condescending things to say to anyone who is having a hard time.  How on earth do you think those words are going to help?  What do you think they are going to make the person feel like?  It is not a helpful thing to say to anyone EVER!

We already have enough on our plates, getting through the treatments and side effects, we already know that being positive gives our spirit a lift.  we know that being positive is the ONLY choice we have.  We do not need others telling us “how to be” when we are perfectly aware of how we feel.

Being positive all the time is not attainable.  After all, in normal life you don’t walk around like “Mr flipping Happy” all the time do you?  So let us deal with OUR emotions as and when we feel fit.  Let US deal with our illness the way we want to and STOP trying to shame us when we feel low and depressed.  

We need to go through these emotions, you cant have the sunshine without the rain, you can’t have happiness without sadness.  To deny the “rubbish” feelings means that you arent dealing with ALL of the issues that terminal/Incurable cancers and other life limiting illnesses can bring.

And if you are one of the 359,360 people who are diagnosed with some type of cancer each year, please think about how you comment on posts on social media.  Please think about how your words will effect the person you are speaking/writing too!

Love, compassion, empathy and understanding have such a wonderful place in our world, so lets use them. Lets build each other up, Lets support each other.  Lets speak about the down side of cancer, lets tell each other when its a rubbish day.  When its too hard to get off the sofa, when the tears are running down our faces. When we are sobbing uncontrollably because for this moment, right here, right now, we can’t take anymore.

Love & hugs always 

Anita

#stillkickingcancersbutt! ❤️❤️

What a week…..

What can I say?  This week has been one of the best weeks of my cancer journey.  I was so very privileged to have been asked to write a small speech on Incurable but Treatable cancers for Macmillan’s Biggest Coffee Morning at the Houses of Parliament.  W.O.W! 😮

I am still in shock.  It was such an amazing day and despite being really nervous, I actually pulled it off and even surprised myself at how composed I was.  I really wanted to get the message out there that it isn’t all magical after treatment stops, it isn’t easy to forget that you are living with something that will kill you.

Every glorious, happy event, and moments, you have are tinged with sadness at times “Will this be my last birthday?  My last Christmas, the last time I get to celebrate New Year?”  You try as hard as you can not to live like this however it is never far from your mind.  Being able to say this In the Jubilee rooms at The Houses of Parliament was an absolute honour.  It still feels like a dream.

Being able to spread and promote awareness and the actualities of living with a terminal cancer is such privilege.  I have often wondered why I am still here?  Why haven’t I died?  Whats so special about me?  I think I now know why?  It is to help others, support others, be kind and compassionate towards others.  To make this life the BEST life I can and in serving others, I have found that.  WOW I am so fortunate to still be here. ❤️❤️

Anyways….As  I am sure you have all seen the Speech at the Houses of Parliament so I won’t waffle on too much about it. (if you haven’t where have you been lol?)   Other than really say a HUGE thank you to #Macmillan for allowing me to be there (still can’t believe it), Thank you to Lynda (the CEO of MM) Ben, Colin, Lucy….. for looking after myself, Tim and my Bestie Viv.  It was really lovely to meet everyone and if I have missed anyone out it is because this stupid brain of mine doesn’t remember a lot these days, so sorry.

Its horrid getting old isn’t it?  I think you know you are getting old when you have to “Google” how to spell words you know, you know how to spell but you just can’t remember how this very second!!!  THIS is happening a lot to me recently. 😱

Oh gosh where was I? Oh this wonderful week.. I keep watching the speech and thinking I just cannot believe that that lady standing there so confident, holding a room full of people with something she has written herself…..oh bl##dy hell thats ME!!  I just can’t believe how much I have grown, how strong I am, how funny I am?   Have you ever really sat down an thought about who you actually are??

I then held a conversation with a Lord for goodness sake.  Yes me, the foul mouthed sailor and I managed to express where my words had come from and why, without using swear words.?  OMG I just can’t believe that that is me, but it is isn’t it?

Please believe me when I write and say how overwhelming it all is and to actually be making a difference.  ITS FLIPPIN’ AMAZING! I don’t want to come across as bighearted because I’m genuinely not… Never In a million years did I ever think my life would have such a positive effect on others ❤️ this makes me happy

I had a lovely email from Colin yesterday asking me to speak at the annual “Britain Against Cancer” Conference in December….. OMG OMG OMG! OMG I am soon excited, nervous, in shock… how amazing.  What an honour.  Obviously after squealing and jumping up and down, I replied and said “Yes”.  Someone pinch me now.  He also said that he had never seen a reaction to a speech like mine… WOW… something I wrote actually had a huge effect on those people in that room.❤️

Also this week the #DyinginDignity campaign came out and I am heavily involved in this.  You are all going to be sick of the sight of me soon sorry!  So basically I want the choice on how I get to die.  I believe that we should be allowed to end our own life if our quality of life will become unbearable.  `for instance: with a terminal or life limiting illness in which we could suffer when actually.

This is hugely important to me, and to many others… please support us if you can and if you are against it, well that’s good too as this is a democracy and we are all allowed to have our own opinions.

I have just watched an advert and it was a cancer related one. I have a question… Why are we being patronised? I know they are trying to show us “cancer people” as people not as statistics but really… we aren’t all sad and upset. We aren’t all doom and gloom. More people now than ever before are living with a terminal diagnosis! Show us how we really are; laughing & joking, going to work, cleaning the loo’s because life has to go on with cancer.

Some of the adverts are so cheesy I really dislike them. Saying that I doubt I could think of anything better. Just an observation. I do love the little boy in the “Head, shoulders, cheese on toast” advert, he is a little sweetheart and I’m so glad to see a follow up advert showing that he is doing so well. ❤️

Well I think I have waffled on enough, thank you all for your lovely support and love… it makes such a wonderful difference to my life 😘

Love & hugs always 💜

Anita

#kickingcancersbutt

PET Scan Day…….

Hello you lovely lot

Today is a PET scan day… Now I hate these days for two reasons… reason 1: it is such a rigmarole.  I have to get here an hour early so that they can cannulate me down in St Martha’s (which is cancer centre of Mount Alvernia)  I get my arm “cooked” and then when its warm enough they try to cannulate me.  Now my veins are sh#t even without chemo going through them, so it does take a bit of time and a couple of ‘tries”.

Second reason is: It reminds me that we are waiting for it to comeback! Enough said there I think.

Moving swiftly on, I have been so very busy recently, not only with #bladddercancer stuff but some really exciting news (of course I did the video last week) just in case you didn’t see it…. IM GOING TO BE A NANA!  I still cant quite believe it, how very blessed we are.

This week I shall also be in London for Macmillan’s Biggest Coffee Morning at the Houses Of Parliament….OMG OMG…. just how amazing is this? What a wonderful platform to speak about ”Incurable but Treatable Cancers.” Yes I am nervous, however I cannot wait to wear my wonderful dress that #Tesco made especially for me. (I still pinch myself) I will stand there with pride and honour.   I know its not a “huge” thing  to most people however this means a lot to me.  Lets hope lots of MP actually turn up and are interested not just “doing their duty”.

There are so many wonderful, amazing stories/blogs out there.  So many people with cancer living their lives.  So many people doing brave and spectacular things to raise money for their charities and to bring awareness to their cancer.  I salute you, I normally have just about enough energy to make a coffee in the morning let alone run a bl##dy marathon. Or climb a really HUGE hill or mountain.  I wish I could be like them, a little.

It is surprising what we can achieve when we put our minds to it.  NOTHING is impossible.   We can do ANYTHING we want to  (providing it doesn’t harm or hurt anyone else). How wonderful is that? whatever your hopes and dreams are, hold on to them, believe in them and yourself and you will go a long way. Even in the face of adversity dreams can be achieved.

My dream is to just make people happy. Life is too short to spend it miserable.  I would like people to know what a walking miracle they are?  How truly fabulous it is to wake up each morning and have another day to make a change, to make a choice, to live a really great life. How lucky are we to have that?

Yes we have work, housework shopping etc, you don’t have to be miserable. If you don’t like you job, then change it… and yes it may take a bit of hard work from you, but you can change it. Housework… well no one wants to live in a pigsty do they, so it has to be done.  Turn the music on and have a boogie whilst you are doing it.  Sing your heart out, it does make it seem a lot easier to do when you are happy.

I know the world isn’t a perfect place and I know there is a great deal of sadness and evil out there. I choose not to see it. It isn’t a case of being ignorant, its a case of protecting yourself.  I find the News too much now.  Everyday just more heartache, more troubles, more stabbing, more upset and I cant cope with it all.  So… I simply now choose not to watch or ready this stuff. I know that if something important happens then I will hear about it, I just don’t actively read all the bad stuff anymore.

We need to believe in ourselves.  I was that student who would get A’s and Distinctions but still never really believed that I was worthy.  I never actual thought I was a little bit clever, I never believed in who I was. It didn’t matter what anyone else thought of me, I didn’t think that much of me at all.  How sad is that?

I bet there are lots of you out there feeling the same as I did.  Stop! Just breathe….  connect with nature, go for a long walk or just sit in a field.  Really look at everything around you, the trees, the grass.  Notice the wind… is it blowing? Or is it still?  How often do we take time out of our day just to “notice” our surroundings?

You, reading this, are totally amazing, you have the power to do anything you want to do, so do it!  You are strong enough, you are brave enough, you are enough, so set those dreams high and go for it!

Im a dreamer, Im a girl with big ideas and hope. I would like everyone to really realise just how special each day is, how special we are and how you can make your life anything you want it to be. And its NEVER too late to do anything.

Think BIG, think really BIG.  What can we do for other people on a daily basis?  You can help others simply by being “nice”.  Have you ever had a compliment on how you were looking on a particular day?  Can you remember how that made you feel?  You carried that feeling with you all day.  I bet you thought about it a few times over the day too and I bet it made you smile, more than once?

You see it’s the smallest things that make us happy, and by sharing the happiness nice we create a ripple effect….. so tell people they look amazing, be kind and open the door for someone, let another car go first. compliment others on their perfume…. so so many things we can do to make others feel good, which in turn empowers us….The secret is is in your smile… make it a big one.
WIshing you all a great day

Love & hugs

Anita
#Kickingcancersbutt (still lol)