Ok, so who like me is having an absolute crap year? Oh! A lot of us… sometimes life just sucks! No reason… its just does!
Lets face it, we all have shit going on in our lives right now. Its slowly dragging us down, like an anchor wrapped wrong our necks! This year… I mean.. where the hell do we start with this year?? ‘A year like no other’.
The year that had changed everyf#ckingthing! (Under statement of the year).
Masks are now fashion accessories, we have become obsessed with hand hygiene, germs and constant anxiety… Everyday seems the same! (At least it does for me)
I feel unsettled… displaced even.. so many health issues in our family at the moment.. Im trying to stay positive however my health hasn’t been great… leg pains, abscess, leg pains.. abscess… abscess… leg pains.. now.. well shall we say…… errrr….digestive issues again!!
I guess I have just got to a point where I feel dissatisfied with my life… I don’t know why… I have done some pretty fabs things… but Im so fed up of pain… of waiting for tomorrow to feel better. Fed up with life!
I just want to sleep, I feel so tired. I want to hide away from ‘people’. To stay cocooned in my little world and not have to deal with anything…
Im not suicidal, this isn’t a cry for help. This is how I feel, right here, right now.
I have nothing to feel down about.. I think my Pet scan, the other day, went ok and I am 100% that I will remain NED (which is a hell of a place to be) maybe thats what this is all about?
Perhaps Im worried about my results? I don’t think I am… cancer wise, I feel fine.. its all the other shit thats bringing me down… the monotony of life.
There… I have said it.. boring, old, tiring, exhausting life!
I am tired. Full stop!
What I would give for a sleep that leaves me feeing like I have slept!! Ladies… you know what I mean, don’t you?? The goddamn menopause has taken what little sleep I have been getting, inbetween the waking up to check my stoma & night-bag!
Whenever I do go into a deep sleep, I wake with this warm, familiar feeling…. Yep! You have guessed it… I have peed the bed. (Always at 2am)
We throw the covers off, I go change my bag and wash myself.. the poor Hubs is in charge of checking for wet spots on the duvet or sheet (I do have a kylie) and changing them when they need it. (A kylie is a bit of waterproof material that you put over your sheet which protects you from having to change ALL of the bedding – bit like a ‘pee the bed sheet)
Then…. we try and settle down back to sleep. Me, feeling just as ashamed as I did when I used to pee the bed when I was younger. Or…… if I had a coughing fit and couldn’t quite make it to the loo. (Don’t mock me… Happens to us all at some point)
By this point, we have woken up Sherlock & Buster (mums dogs) and Muma cat can be heard “MEEEEE OOOOOOWWWW IIIIIII NNNG” in the not so far distance.
Ollie pie will probably seize this opportunity to get on the bed and play “Give Me Your Hands”. This involves Ollie trying to find our hands to make us stroke him (breathe) Honestly…. I have never met such a needy cat!
Give Me Your Hands – You have to hide your hands from Ollie and lie dead still…. do not move…. If you move he then knows that you are awake and his gives him ‘hope’. Commence loud purring, him rubbing himself on you and drooling like a toddler having ice cream for the first time. God forbid if you ‘forget’ and actually feel sorry for him and start stroking him… you can kiss the rest of the nights sleep good-frikken-bye as you will be there FOR HOURS!
Oh gosh.. what on earth am I writing? Who knows… I feel a little happier now… sharing how we feel always helps… so does writing it down…Ah… just read through … got it 😉 (nighttime leaks)
Its usually around the 2.21am mark we finally start to settle the fur babies down… have thrown a cupful of cat biscuits in their bowls… yelled at Sherlock to get his “fat ass back up those stairs!!” And to “leave those bloody biscuits alone, they aren’t yours”.
Doing all this and trying to wind back down.
I get back into bed, the Hubby snuggles. We both know how this goes… (no…. not like that… guttermind) he will snuggle for a few minutes then say he “has to turn over” (twitchy legs) he kisses my back, turns over and snores within a bloody minute!
I AM FRIKKEN TIRED AND WANT TO SLEEP AND NOW MY BRAIN IS THINKING OF ALL OF THE MISTAKES I HAVE MADE IN MY LIFE AND TELLING ME HOW I SHOULD OF REALLY HANDLED THOSE SITUATIONS. (thanks brain, as if Im not worrying about enough… thanks)
Just as I about to fall a sleep… I hear a noise and my brain goes into “OH MY F#UCKING GOD! SOMEONE HAS BROKEN INTO OUR HOUSE!!! QUICK…, WAKE TIM” 🤣
Tim awakes……startled …..spluttering and wiping the river of drool from around his chops! “Uh…” He springs into life… and has bounced his sexy little (ahem) butt into the hallway and is stood in fight mode…. BANG! the noise again…. its the wind blowing the kitchen door … really must remember to shut the bloody thing when I come up.
*added note: God knows why I think someone would burgal??? (doesn’t look right)…. burgual? (Still doesnt) OH MY GOD HOW DO I SPELL F-#CKING BURULAR?!?!! Ahhhhhhhhhhh
Forget it…!!!!!!! Burgler?!?
I forget what I am writing about half the time… and ‘names of things’ ….. why on earth can I not remember the names for things? Like.. “the stuff to fill the holes in the wall”. Polyfiller obviously… but ask me last night what it was called…?!?!?? “Put that down on the bath there”. This could mean ANY available surface to hand! And so on and so on…
Where was I?? Oh yes….. I ‘sighed’ with relief… Hubs gets back into bed and reminds me of our first few years together when I sat up in bed and shouted “ccaaaaaaaatttttt ffffffiiiiggghhhhhht” sure enough, it was a cat fight that had woken me from my slumber…. We could hear the distinct-able cry of Fuggs preparing to fight! 😱
This memory always makes me smile… we will laugh and mimic how it was said… “cccccaaaaatttttt ffffiiiiggghhhhtttttt”. Then, when I know that everyone is happy, I snuggle back down to sleep… filled with happy thoughts. I lie there, remembering how wonderful my life has been… the memories are warming and comforting… I fall to sleep..
There will be lots of “tossin’ ana’ turnin” all night and the ‘checking of the bag’ routine to adhere too… in-between “the moving of the legs” and taking the quilt of them as the pressure is hurting my legs!! My leg bones (cant remember the proper names… the lower legs ones… the shins and behind bit.. you know what I mean)” HURT… REALLY… REALLY F#CKING HURT!
I get comfy, for the f#cking fifty millionth time tonight… or should I say morning!!
BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP…
Hubs fumbles for his phone… finds it… cancels alarm… turns over and says “we got another 10 minutes”
10 F#CKING…. BLOODY ARSE…,MINUTES!!!! NO WAY…. I havent even slept properly from last night…. I NEED another ‘nights sleep’ NOT…. 10 more sodding minutes!!!
I lie there….. silently fuming…. and wanting to smother him with the pillow.
BEEEP BEEEP BEEEP… Hubs turns off second alarm… gets up ‘a moanin’ anda groanin’. The Usual routine begins……
So thats my ‘sleeping’ pattern 😂
How has lockdown affected YOU? I think, personally, I have enjoyed locking myself away from the world.. its not much different to my ‘normal’ life to be honest.
Oh… apart from… eating…. I am usually really good for a while and then I binge… really binge… binge like… buttered jam sandwich…. this is whilst waiting for the 2 potato waffles and 2 Burgers are cooking….. I resist the urge to have a bowl of crunchy nut cornflakes with cold full fat milk (mainly hecause we only have the cheap ones from Lidl’s and they don’t taste the same)
I have learnt to put the timer on… 200 degrees for 25 mins… and wait for that sweet sound ‘bebeep bebeep bebeep’…
In the meantime I am now looking for ‘spaghetti hoops”….., nope… the cupboard is bare… bugga!
Oh and did I mention that I started to declutter the house?!! 4 rooms on the go at once… and now I have run out of energy… and just cant be arsed! I know where its all going, I just dont have the strength….. (What a lazy cow I am) ….Turns out I would rather declutter someone elses house than my own….. (you’re welcome Muma)
In short I am all over the place right now… so much in my head… no energy to do sod all!
We have also discovered that we are the type of people who go into our garden to look at how lovely our roof & gutters are! (the hubs cleaned & sorted them) we stand there admiring the roof… omg if 20 year old Anita knew that this would be her life, she would have laughed her head off!
Do you have anything that you do that other may laugh at you for? I have also, after years of having 3 drawers full of pants, socks and bra’s, have actually started to fold them and put them away in an orderly fashion as oppose to ‘lobbing ‘em in, willy-nilly like!’
Would love to hear from you all about the things you do that make you smile or the crrraaayyyyzzzzzzeeee things you do.
Love & hugs ❤️