Are We Ever Good Enough…?

I am sure we all have these days.  The days where you wonder if you are actually clever enough, brave enough, strong enough….. the days where you doubt the very essence of who you are!

We all know others who appear to be more intelligent than ourselves however that doesn’t mean we are stupid….. it means we know “what we know.”  It doesn’t mean that we should see ourselves as any less than others.

We simply are “enough!”  Never doubt that, my friend.  Never doubt that your ability to make it through to the next challenge in your life.  We don’t have to prove ourselves to anyone other than ourselves.   And if people judge or criticise you, don’t let that stop you from being who you are.

Some like their cakes to be chocolate and some like their cakes to be carrot (bleugh)  We are just like cakes……Some will like us one type, say chocolate and others won’t but that is none of our business………. Let them get on with it……. Do not get to upset over what others see us as………. chocolate or carrot cake is still cake!

Do we make a difference?  I started my Facebook page, way back in April 2016 not for recognition, not for fame but as a way to help me deal with the feelings and emotions that came out after my diagnosis.  And to be blunt, I though it would bring comfort and love, after I had died, to my Husband and Son.

It was there to help spread the awareness of this disgusting disease to the best of my ability and hopefully, by sharing our story, it would help others on this long, dark road and let them see that everything we experience is just the “normal” reactions to any type of cancer.

I wanted to use the page to highlight what myself and others, like me, have to go through, physically and emotionally because it is tough!  It is the hardest thing I have ever had to do.  We may have others around us, helping us, urging us onwards but ultimately it is ONLY us that can decide how we cope with the cancer bubble.

Crumble or rise above the ashes like the Phoenix….. So many people that I have spoken to have become better people, by their own standards, due to this evil disease! It seems to cut the cr#p out of our lives, it makes us understand what is truly important and what isn’t!

We all too often, in life,  get worn down by the “ins and outs” of daily living.  The daily trudge, the repetitive cycle of working to pay the bills, to have more money for material things, when what if I told you that that stuff doesn’t matter a jot!  Would you believe me?

Let’s stop focusing on “what we have” and start focusing on “what we can give to others”.  Why are we so fixated on “stuff?”  On things that, when we die, we won’t have and will be meaningless to others.

Let’s concentrate on living in the moment, laughing, joking and “just being.”  That’s what life is about!

We use the word “fight” a lot when we speak about cancer. We are “fighting” this cancer, we are fighting this “battle” but in reality we are just getting on with our lives.. we are not fighting anything… we are just trying to survive.

Our bodies become battered and bruised during treatment, whilst we try and process everything we go through, in actual fact it isn’t until treatment is over, then we can reflect on how far we have come on this really rubbish journey.

This photo is after a TURBT, and is where my Urologist would resection the Bladder tumour. I felt awful!

It takes a lot of time after treatment to fully process what we have been through. You see, whilst having treatment we are so focused on our next step that we don’t often realise that’s how much strength it has taken us to get where we are, right now.

We get so consumed by the “cancer bubble” that “real life” seems a million miles away from the reality that we are experiencing.

We get to meet so many amazing, wonderful people during our treatment.  People with the same type of cancer, or close enough, even people with different types of cancer.  We need these people, to lean on for strength when ours is waning and to give them strength when they find themselves struggling too!

For friendship and laughter, I can’t stress this one enough.  Even in the darkest moments laughter can be heard.  The human spirit is mindblowing.  When you think you can’t….. just can’t… take any more…. you will.. and much more besides.

This is me and my Lovely Chemo Nurse, she always made me smile ❤️

For the moments when you are often to scared to speak out loud about how you really feel.  You know those moments…. those dark, distressing thoughts that pop into your head at 2am.  Those thoughts that are constantly niggling and nagging at the back of your mind.

Those thoughts that we can’t share with the people we love, because they just wouldn’t totally understand how we feel because it takes someone who has been through what we have been through to truly “get it.”

I truly believe that everyone we meet in our lives, have some purpose in them. Whether it is for a brief moment, to tell us something important or just for the laughter. Never dismiss anyone.

Treat others how you want to be treated back.  Be kind and giving but don’t give too much of yourself, remember you can’t pour from an empty coffee pot.  So make sure you that YOU take care of you, first and foremost.

If you are anything like me, this will be hard to do, as for me, my coping mechanism for my life is to “take care of others” even to the detriment of my own health, which isn’t good!  However I am working on myself continuously growing and learning.

I am a “people pleaser.”  I know this.  Nothing gives me such a buzz in knowing that I have made someone else happy, or that I have helped someone who needed it.  I doubt my own intelligence, my own persona..  I wonder why people like me and sometimes get too wrapped up in why they don’t!

I guess the bottom line is… it doesn’t matter and it shouldn’t matter to me (see cake example) as long as I try to do my best, live my life to my own standards then WHY should it matter what others think of me?

On this journey I have lost many friendships along the way.  I used to get so upset over it, it used to really hurt me until I read something that really resonated with me.  You can’t make anyone be “your friend” you can’t make people “like you” and quite frankly if others don’t value you or your friendship then you are better off without them.  It has taken 48 years to get here.

Me and My Best Friend, been through a lot together, fallen out, not spoken for years, make up, she has been such an amazing support to me ❤️

Why give yourself to people who don’t see your sparkle?  Who don’t appreciate your soul?  Who don’t see who you really are?  Or maybe they do and it’s just not for them!  But again… that’s none of our business! And you have so much more to concentrate on than this!

We can strive to better ourselves, we can start with taking care of us, we can fill our “coffee pots” to the brim in order to help others.  Whatever you do, you are enough.

I always thought you had to be so intelligent, so clever, so… well … so not me, to make any impact on this world. My voice, although being small, teamed up with others, becomes loud and strong.

We can make a difference and it doesn’t matter how big or small that difference is, it is still a difference..

So are WE ever enough? I think the answer is YES…… YES WE ARE!

Don’t let anyone ever tell you differently. Believe and trust in who you are and the difference you bring to the world ❤️

Love Anita x

What a week…..

What can I say?  This week has been one of the best weeks of my cancer journey.  I was so very privileged to have been asked to write a small speech on Incurable but Treatable cancers for Macmillan’s Biggest Coffee Morning at the Houses of Parliament.  W.O.W! 😮

I am still in shock.  It was such an amazing day and despite being really nervous, I actually pulled it off and even surprised myself at how composed I was.  I really wanted to get the message out there that it isn’t all magical after treatment stops, it isn’t easy to forget that you are living with something that will kill you.

Every glorious, happy event, and moments, you have are tinged with sadness at times “Will this be my last birthday?  My last Christmas, the last time I get to celebrate New Year?”  You try as hard as you can not to live like this however it is never far from your mind.  Being able to say this In the Jubilee rooms at The Houses of Parliament was an absolute honour.  It still feels like a dream.

Being able to spread and promote awareness and the actualities of living with a terminal cancer is such privilege.  I have often wondered why I am still here?  Why haven’t I died?  Whats so special about me?  I think I now know why?  It is to help others, support others, be kind and compassionate towards others.  To make this life the BEST life I can and in serving others, I have found that.  WOW I am so fortunate to still be here. ❤️❤️

Anyways….As  I am sure you have all seen the Speech at the Houses of Parliament so I won’t waffle on too much about it. (if you haven’t where have you been lol?)   Other than really say a HUGE thank you to #Macmillan for allowing me to be there (still can’t believe it), Thank you to Lynda (the CEO of MM) Ben, Colin, Lucy….. for looking after myself, Tim and my Bestie Viv.  It was really lovely to meet everyone and if I have missed anyone out it is because this stupid brain of mine doesn’t remember a lot these days, so sorry.

Its horrid getting old isn’t it?  I think you know you are getting old when you have to “Google” how to spell words you know, you know how to spell but you just can’t remember how this very second!!!  THIS is happening a lot to me recently. 😱

Oh gosh where was I? Oh this wonderful week.. I keep watching the speech and thinking I just cannot believe that that lady standing there so confident, holding a room full of people with something she has written herself…..oh bl##dy hell thats ME!!  I just can’t believe how much I have grown, how strong I am, how funny I am?   Have you ever really sat down an thought about who you actually are??

I then held a conversation with a Lord for goodness sake.  Yes me, the foul mouthed sailor and I managed to express where my words had come from and why, without using swear words.?  OMG I just can’t believe that that is me, but it is isn’t it?

Please believe me when I write and say how overwhelming it all is and to actually be making a difference.  ITS FLIPPIN’ AMAZING! I don’t want to come across as bighearted because I’m genuinely not… Never In a million years did I ever think my life would have such a positive effect on others ❤️ this makes me happy

I had a lovely email from Colin yesterday asking me to speak at the annual “Britain Against Cancer” Conference in December….. OMG OMG OMG! OMG I am soon excited, nervous, in shock… how amazing.  What an honour.  Obviously after squealing and jumping up and down, I replied and said “Yes”.  Someone pinch me now.  He also said that he had never seen a reaction to a speech like mine… WOW… something I wrote actually had a huge effect on those people in that room.❤️

Also this week the #DyinginDignity campaign came out and I am heavily involved in this.  You are all going to be sick of the sight of me soon sorry!  So basically I want the choice on how I get to die.  I believe that we should be allowed to end our own life if our quality of life will become unbearable.  `for instance: with a terminal or life limiting illness in which we could suffer when actually.

This is hugely important to me, and to many others… please support us if you can and if you are against it, well that’s good too as this is a democracy and we are all allowed to have our own opinions.

I have just watched an advert and it was a cancer related one. I have a question… Why are we being patronised? I know they are trying to show us “cancer people” as people not as statistics but really… we aren’t all sad and upset. We aren’t all doom and gloom. More people now than ever before are living with a terminal diagnosis! Show us how we really are; laughing & joking, going to work, cleaning the loo’s because life has to go on with cancer.

Some of the adverts are so cheesy I really dislike them. Saying that I doubt I could think of anything better. Just an observation. I do love the little boy in the “Head, shoulders, cheese on toast” advert, he is a little sweetheart and I’m so glad to see a follow up advert showing that he is doing so well. ❤️

Well I think I have waffled on enough, thank you all for your lovely support and love… it makes such a wonderful difference to my life 😘

Love & hugs always 💜