Are We Ever Good Enough…?

I am sure we all have these days.  The days where you wonder if you are actually clever enough, brave enough, strong enough….. the days where you doubt the very essence of who you are!

We all know others who appear to be more intelligent than ourselves however that doesn’t mean we are stupid….. it means we know “what we know.”  It doesn’t mean that we should see ourselves as any less than others.

We simply are “enough!”  Never doubt that, my friend.  Never doubt that your ability to make it through to the next challenge in your life.  We don’t have to prove ourselves to anyone other than ourselves.   And if people judge or criticise you, don’t let that stop you from being who you are.

Some like their cakes to be chocolate and some like their cakes to be carrot (bleugh)  We are just like cakes……Some will like us one type, say chocolate and others won’t but that is none of our business………. Let them get on with it……. Do not get to upset over what others see us as………. chocolate or carrot cake is still cake!

Do we make a difference?  I started my Facebook page, way back in April 2016 not for recognition, not for fame but as a way to help me deal with the feelings and emotions that came out after my diagnosis.  And to be blunt, I though it would bring comfort and love, after I had died, to my Husband and Son.

It was there to help spread the awareness of this disgusting disease to the best of my ability and hopefully, by sharing our story, it would help others on this long, dark road and let them see that everything we experience is just the “normal” reactions to any type of cancer.

I wanted to use the page to highlight what myself and others, like me, have to go through, physically and emotionally because it is tough!  It is the hardest thing I have ever had to do.  We may have others around us, helping us, urging us onwards but ultimately it is ONLY us that can decide how we cope with the cancer bubble.

Crumble or rise above the ashes like the Phoenix….. So many people that I have spoken to have become better people, by their own standards, due to this evil disease! It seems to cut the cr#p out of our lives, it makes us understand what is truly important and what isn’t!

We all too often, in life,  get worn down by the “ins and outs” of daily living.  The daily trudge, the repetitive cycle of working to pay the bills, to have more money for material things, when what if I told you that that stuff doesn’t matter a jot!  Would you believe me?

Let’s stop focusing on “what we have” and start focusing on “what we can give to others”.  Why are we so fixated on “stuff?”  On things that, when we die, we won’t have and will be meaningless to others.

Let’s concentrate on living in the moment, laughing, joking and “just being.”  That’s what life is about!

We use the word “fight” a lot when we speak about cancer. We are “fighting” this cancer, we are fighting this “battle” but in reality we are just getting on with our lives.. we are not fighting anything… we are just trying to survive.

Our bodies become battered and bruised during treatment, whilst we try and process everything we go through, in actual fact it isn’t until treatment is over, then we can reflect on how far we have come on this really rubbish journey.

This photo is after a TURBT, and is where my Urologist would resection the Bladder tumour. I felt awful!

It takes a lot of time after treatment to fully process what we have been through. You see, whilst having treatment we are so focused on our next step that we don’t often realise that’s how much strength it has taken us to get where we are, right now.

We get so consumed by the “cancer bubble” that “real life” seems a million miles away from the reality that we are experiencing.

We get to meet so many amazing, wonderful people during our treatment.  People with the same type of cancer, or close enough, even people with different types of cancer.  We need these people, to lean on for strength when ours is waning and to give them strength when they find themselves struggling too!

For friendship and laughter, I can’t stress this one enough.  Even in the darkest moments laughter can be heard.  The human spirit is mindblowing.  When you think you can’t….. just can’t… take any more…. you will.. and much more besides.

This is me and my Lovely Chemo Nurse, she always made me smile ❤️

For the moments when you are often to scared to speak out loud about how you really feel.  You know those moments…. those dark, distressing thoughts that pop into your head at 2am.  Those thoughts that are constantly niggling and nagging at the back of your mind.

Those thoughts that we can’t share with the people we love, because they just wouldn’t totally understand how we feel because it takes someone who has been through what we have been through to truly “get it.”

I truly believe that everyone we meet in our lives, have some purpose in them. Whether it is for a brief moment, to tell us something important or just for the laughter. Never dismiss anyone.

Treat others how you want to be treated back.  Be kind and giving but don’t give too much of yourself, remember you can’t pour from an empty coffee pot.  So make sure you that YOU take care of you, first and foremost.

If you are anything like me, this will be hard to do, as for me, my coping mechanism for my life is to “take care of others” even to the detriment of my own health, which isn’t good!  However I am working on myself continuously growing and learning.

I am a “people pleaser.”  I know this.  Nothing gives me such a buzz in knowing that I have made someone else happy, or that I have helped someone who needed it.  I doubt my own intelligence, my own persona..  I wonder why people like me and sometimes get too wrapped up in why they don’t!

I guess the bottom line is… it doesn’t matter and it shouldn’t matter to me (see cake example) as long as I try to do my best, live my life to my own standards then WHY should it matter what others think of me?

On this journey I have lost many friendships along the way.  I used to get so upset over it, it used to really hurt me until I read something that really resonated with me.  You can’t make anyone be “your friend” you can’t make people “like you” and quite frankly if others don’t value you or your friendship then you are better off without them.  It has taken 48 years to get here.

Me and My Best Friend, been through a lot together, fallen out, not spoken for years, make up, she has been such an amazing support to me ❤️

Why give yourself to people who don’t see your sparkle?  Who don’t appreciate your soul?  Who don’t see who you really are?  Or maybe they do and it’s just not for them!  But again… that’s none of our business! And you have so much more to concentrate on than this!

We can strive to better ourselves, we can start with taking care of us, we can fill our “coffee pots” to the brim in order to help others.  Whatever you do, you are enough.

I always thought you had to be so intelligent, so clever, so… well … so not me, to make any impact on this world. My voice, although being small, teamed up with others, becomes loud and strong.

We can make a difference and it doesn’t matter how big or small that difference is, it is still a difference..

So are WE ever enough? I think the answer is YES…… YES WE ARE!

Don’t let anyone ever tell you differently. Believe and trust in who you are and the difference you bring to the world ❤️

Love Anita x

Rainy Days… and Sundays

Today.. Well today is a good day.  A day for me! A day where I don’t have to walk Sherlock and Tim is at work.  A PJ DAY!! Hurrah, don’t you just love them?  I do and I know that I am lucky to have them.  Perhaps I shouldn’t be having so many but who cares?

Today was supposed to be about the writing and then I wanted to start reading a book I have had for a while but haven’t quite gotten round to it.  Sounds delightful doesn’t it?  It has been NOTHING like that.  I got the baking bug today, I’m covered in flour.  Why is it you only remember to put your pinny on once you are already covered in flour, butter smears and have trodden in a blob of “something” that has fallen on the floor?

I LOVE it.  I used to be really good at it. (even if I have to say that myself lol)  Now I’m a car crash just waiting to happen.  I’m inpatient, I’m forever changing the recipes to fit with what I have in the house, muscovado sugar is brown sugar right?  Sometimes I even think the recipe is boring (sorry Jamie & James) so I add an “anita twist” to it.

Those are the days where the Son decides he may just get a takeaway on the way home.  I find that a little unfair. (Boo) However on a few occasions my “anita twists” have been downright disgusting and I should just stop! Just Stop!  I just can’t help myself, I have to constantly read and re-read the recipes, checking how much is needed for this… or for that… oh thats about right I think…. lol so its no wonder nothing ever turns out to be that yummy!  I switch between wanting “perfection” and “am sure thats the right amount”

On the days where I have cooked a MASTERPIECE.  You know the one, the one that does actually belong on “Masterchef,’  I usually have no idea how I have made it as I have just chucked “this and that in” and I never measure.  So what tastes good one week, may not taste the same the next time it is cooked.  In fact it could almost be a completely different recipe.

We used to laugh about “Sausage Surprise”.  That was Jean, from Eastenders and I guess I can relate to her and her portrayal of someone with Bipolar.  I have moments wheres its ll full on.  If I’m doing something, I am “DOING IT WITH FLAIR” ,with enthusiasm  and its usually over the top.

If you are like me, you have about 3 things on the go at once, Olive bread up in the airing cupboard proving, making parmesan cookies and have lemon cupcake in the oven AND I’m still wondering what else I can do?  We won’t talk about the 3 ingredient rolls, they came out looking like light brown dog poops!

I hadn’t thought it through when I decided to do a lemon drizzle cake in a long loaf tin…. I cut it in half and it still wouldn’t fit so I cut a huge chunk off the end and ate it.. Perfect! Problem solving abilities!

Im loving it, I have the radio on, singing along to Bewitched. Sherlock is in the lounge napping as he knows there is no chance of getting a treat off me.  I know I’m not a great baker or chef but I try.  I really do.  And it helps me.  Its therapeutic, its calming, unless you are me and are now looking for the wooden spoon you like.

My favourite wooden spoon… I think I threw it out when I was delcuttering, a few weeks ago.. Nagdamnit. I knew I shouldn’t of thrown it away.  Yes it was broken and a little bit burnt, but I liked it, i liked the way it “spooned” lol.

I am making bits and bobs for the Hubs’s lunchbox.  I feel a little bit like  50’s housewife however I have my sarong tied above my boobs and my pink fluffy slipper boots on… and no make up, I doubt any self respecting 50’s house wife would be constantly tying up her sarong whilst one of her boobs, tries to make an escape as I bend down to open the oven door.   OUCH!  Hot boobs!

I take a break and come and sit, I can hear the rain on the conservatory roof, its pleasant but if it gets and harder it will drive me mad. Its so loud and Im in a quiet, withdrawn place today.

The oven pings…. oh golly gosh, my flapjack things are done… they look ok.  The recipe says cut them into 12 now and then let them cool. I try to but its not working….. For some reason they are falling apart, crumbling, disintegrating into nothing. Another lot for the bin, although I will see if I can rescue them by just pressing them back together……NOPE…. Maybe!

Must go and check the olive bread…… brb (omg haven’t used that since the Yahoo chatrooms of the 90’s) Ok so the olive bread needed to be kneaded again and then left to rest.  I quickly had another go of making the parmesan biscuits too.  They look better this time, so thats in the fridge chilling.

The flapjacks are a bit crumbly however they are nice….. I do love baking…. What I really don’t like is the amount of washing up it creates. For goodness sake I think I have now washed the same bl##dy bowl out about 5 times now.  Its endless and then its like playing adult “Jenga” trying to balance everything on top of each other so it can all dry.

Oh and then the one thing that you need right now, that small measuring jug is underneath the vast mountain.  Good luck getting it without it all falling and knocking the fruit bowl off the side.  (Stupid place to put the fruit bowl, however it looks classy)

Also not forgetting the “bin” where you have chucked those eggshells in because you haven’t quite gotten round to “composting”.  (Is that still a thing?). The empty packet of flour which can’t be recycled because you dropped an egg on it.  Its “tainted.”   That too gets thrown in the already rather full bin.

Urgh… so much mess to clean up, not forgetting the Dog, who came in to say hi. He sniffed and snuffled over the floor and then left.  When he left he had stood in “something” that was on the floor and has now proceeded to walk it in to the living room…. OMG I need this lemon wipes now!

The bin, which hasn’t been emptied in days and has just been “pushed” down to create more room for more rubbish, has now decided it doesn’t want to be emptied.  I have tied the handles together, and my fluffy slippers are holding on to the bottom of the bin whilst I’m pulling away….. arrrggghhhhhh!

Giving the bag a wiggle, trying to ease it out gently… raaaarrrrrrrrr… Nope, its positively stuck in there.  Makes me remember a time when I suggested to the Hubs that perhaps we could dill a hole into the bottom of the bin, thus breaking the suction.  He agreed it was a great idea…. yet to be accomplished!

I wrestle with the bin, for about 20 minutes, …. well maybe a slight exaggeration, could  of been  about 2 minutes but it definitely felt like a long time.  I decide to leave that job for the Hubs, in the hallway, for when he gets in and will, no doubt, remind him of “drilling a hole” conversation.  Implying that, if that had been done then I would of emptied the bin.  (yeah right)  I can’t be trusted with a drill otherwise I would have a go myself.

Off to check on the Olive bread now.  I absolutely love olive bread and have discovered a great recipe.  Today I have added other stuff into the dough , so its all a bit of a “wait and see” moment.  Update have checked the oven and its not looking good.   I check the bottom of the tin of yeast I used, it said 2016…. Opps! I think thats perhaps why it hasn’t risen.  So off to do another one……

Still if they ever give out medals for being a “Tryer’ I should have wall full.  You see thats what life is about “Trying”.   Trying isn’t failing.  Trying isn’t anything to be ashamed of.  Being a “Tryer” means you are fabulous.   You will give anything a go and will put 110% into it.  You will experience so many beautiful things that life has to offer.  And whilst it doesn’t always go your way, you pick yourself up and go and find something else to “Try”.  The World needs “Tryers”

If it makes you happy and doesn’t hurt anyone else in the process then carrying on.  Baking makes me happy, and I will try to bake or cook anything.  Sometimes we are grateful for the local takeaways.

It does take another 3 frikkin days to clean the kitchen up, as I am forever finding bits of flour behind the toaster or behind the mixer.  I swear it wasn’t there when I was cleaning up.

Tonight the darling Hubs has a seafood spaghetti thanks to Jamie O.  Did struggle where to get bl##dy squid ink at 3,50pm on a Sunday?   So have given it an “Anita’s twist” and have used oyster sauce with a bit of soy sauce, fingers crossed and lets hope for the best. (update added a squish of lemon juice too)

I guess if there was ever a “moral” for this post, its “keep on trying” even if you are rubbish at it, keep doing it if you enjoy it.

Love and hugs

Anita

#kickingcancersbutt