Wow, I am still here, alive in 2022!
Who would have thought that 6 years ago when I first heard those ominous words “You have cancer” and then to add insult to injury I was told it was terminal. I was not expected to see the year out and if I did, who knew what state I would be in.
Those first wildly emotional and exhausting years seem a million miles away from where I am now. The naivety and innocent I once had around cancer has been tainted with procedures, chemotherapy and radiotherapy. I have grown wise and weary of it all and yet I can’t shake it free.
TRAUMA? ME? Noooooo!
I have experienced growth and knowledge through one of the worst times in my life. My Soul has been laid bare. I have reflected on the trauma that cancer brought into my life despite telling myself that there was none.
The invasive TURBTS, the biopsy, the waiting. The chemo and radiotherapy. The sickness and pain that it brought with it, the poison running through my body, killing and saving me simultaneously.
The invasive and debilitating bladder removal surgery and hysterectomy that left me scars and with a change of body image. The hysterectomy threw me, kicking and screaming, into the surgical menopause which gnawed away at me until I was a screaming banshee. Thank goodness for HRT!
SELF LOVE? Nope. Not here.
I began to hate myself, my body, my scars and let’s not forget the ‘bag’ hanging from my stomach, I tried hard to keep ‘showing up in my life’ getting dressed and staying positive, not only for my sake but my families too. It was and is exhausting!
Stoma Hate
I was torn between hating my stoma and being grateful for the reprieve I was given.
With being alive there came more health challenges. Over the years I was unfortunate enough to be diagnosed with a rare autoimmune disorder, heart failure, arthritis, osteoporosis and just recently Lupus. My life became incredibly difficult.
COVID 19!
Then Covid hit us!
I became disassociated with ‘real life’ although I was not deemed to be at high risk, I certainly wasn’t going to go though terminal cancer, and survive, just to be killed by a pandemic. No bloody way, not on my watch!
Getting through the Day.
My world had become my home. My prison. I felt safe there. The thought of having to leave the house caused me extreme anxiety. I became unwell and due to illness I began to neglect myself.
Self-Neglect
First it was small things like not putting my make up on and staying in my pjs all day. Some days I would just lie on the sofa until my husband returned home. That was all the energy I had.
When I wasn’t exhausted I was reflecting on my life and Hands Up! I will admit it. I did get into a vicious circle for a while. A self-pitying ‘Why Me’ stage of life. I got lost in the world of chronic unwellness and pain.
I didn’t feel that I had any control, or quality, of life.
I had survived a rare, terminal cancer. {Mind Blown – BOOM}
I just want to focus on the above line. It has taken nearly 5 years of remaining at NED ‘no evidence of active disease’ for me to be able to get my hopes up. To think that maybe I HAVE beaten small cell bladder cancer. This is a huge realisation for me!
Yes, I had survived however I wasn’t thriving. I wasn’t living my best life.. I was just making it through the day. Desperately clinging to the hope that one day I would feel better.
I had mourned for the life I thought I had lost. The life that I had been both physically and emotionally unable to participate in.
Self-Reflection
I searched for ‘meaning’ within my life.
What is important to me? What do I value in life? What are my beliefs? Had anything changed over the years? Had cancer changed me? If it had, then WHO was I now?
I started to mediate. I journaled, writing down 3 things, every day, that I was grateful for. That list grew… and grew. I realised just how much I had to be grateful for.
I began to eat better which made my body stronger. I discovered high vibrational music and foods. I have thrown my heart, body and soul into my healing journey.
Spirituality
I firmly believe that we are all here, on this Earth, to grow and to experience as much of life as we can. I have always believed this!
I started to write. I started to create. I started to have hope.
I have always been fascinated by learned patterns of behaviour and the psychology behind why we are ‘who we are’. I have been a huge advocate for cancer and the psychological and emotional effects that it has on us during and after our treatments are finished.
Living with Cancer.
Living with cancer has become the ‘new normal’. 1 in 2 of us will be diagnosed with cancer at some point in our lives. Thankfully, treatments are becoming more effective at treating the cancer and we are surviving cancer. But what happens then?
Studies are showing that you don’t just bounce back to you. The ‘You’ you were before cancer. The anxiety, the fears, the rollercoasting of your emotions. It doesn’t just stop!
Our Mental Health Services are in constant demand and it is thanks to charities Like Fight Bladder Cancer and Macmillan, who are picking up the slack when it comes to cancer and Mental Health Issues.
Nourish Your Soul
That’s when ‘Nourishment for the Soul’ was born. It is how I am healing, Spiritually.
Nourishment for the Soul is a free four week online course, which aims to help you to Nourish every area of your life. It’s time to recover, restore and recuperate your Soul.
It is ‘High Vibrational music, dance, arts and laughter combined with yoga, meditations, high vibrational music and self-reflection’.
A course that resonates with you on a Soul level.
We are so excited to be trialling our workshops soon. Please contact me if you would like some more details.
With love & hugs, always
Anita xx
My Big Fat British Bladder Tumour 