So I had a pet scan today, back on the emotional rollercoaster that is cancer!
I had a bit of a nightmare getting cannulated but eventually, after 8 goes they managed to finally do it…. in my wrist 😱 oh my goodness, I can’t begin to tell you how much that “little scratch” hurt!
I think I had got into a bit of a tiss and had worn myself out by not being able to relax every time they tried it. As when they left me for a while, I began to doze on the chair, sat bolt upright. My eyes felt so heavy! Nurses, a little tip here… it does not matter one jot how many times you says “RELAX” at us, that does not help when you are pushing and wriggling the needle trying to get the blood out. I can’t not relax and it doesn’t matter how many deep breaths I take, I swear I started hyperventilating, My mind is screaming in my head.
I’m sat watching NCIS (love them) and now my mind decides to throw a spanner in the world and start to stress me out. It goes like this:
ME: well glad that’s over, I may do a post later, I have been so slack recently but think I needed a break
MIND: yeah, yeah, now are we going to talk about he elephant in the room yet?
ME: the chicken soup?
MIND: no you idiot, not the chicken soup, the bloody PET scan…
ME: no, nope, uhu, non, nein…
MIND: so … how certain are you the cancers not back then?
ME: I don’t want to speak about this MIND: 99.9%… 😂😂😂😂
ME: yes…. I’m totally certain that it’s 99.9 % sure it isn’t back…
MIND: 😂😂😂😂😂😂… what really sure??
ME: ………., 100 % sure, it’s my body and I am sure I would know…
MIND: BUT, would you? *cackles* ME: 😱 I’m sure!!! ….. mind you, I have been exhausted recently MIND: GOTCHA!!
And so the mind games begin….
(Just repeat the above until you go bonkers!)
We all try to play down the psychological effects that cancer has on our minds… this is it now … until I die…
MIND: so, you are sure… hmmmm have you forgotten the “youre not cured and nor will you ever be” chat with Dr S?
ME: shut up, you never know, they are doing lots of research on cancer right now
MIND: yeah they are, but not yours…. you had to be different didn’t you? You had to get a rare one
ME: 😐 ok, I’m going to crochet now
MIND: good luck with that!
No matter how hard you try not think about the results, nor the implications, your mind keeps taking you there….
ME: how about doing some meditation, or deep breathing to help me calm down?
ME: well I can’t change the results, I can only choose to be prepared, mentally, and rest in the knowledge that we will do everything we can to treat me, to give me more time
MIND: 9 more days of this! 9 whole days until you get those results! Let’s lay a little game……. are you going to start bargaining for your life?
ME: go away now… I don’t want to think about these things anymore, what will be, will be
MIND: 😂🤣 g-ood one!!
ME: I have been so fortune to have this extra time that we didn’t think I would have, I’m ok
MIND: you have just read the DiD report and read what happened to Fiona
ME: oh god I don’t want a horrid death, I’m so scared, I don’t even know what I will do
MIND: there we go, welcome to cancer anxiety 😄
All sorts of thoughts go through your head, will it be painful? Will it take long? I shouldn’t be wasting my time having these thoughts. I should be able to live my life with a comforting feeling, knowing that I would be in control and that I wouldn’t suffer for days… maybe even weeks… that’s not humane for goodness sake!!
I want to go on my terms. Please don’t get me wrong, I do not have any fairy thoughts about dying peacefully… I’m trying to prepare myself, my family and my friends for the worse case senario, I’m trying to “stay brave and positive” I’m trying NOT to think about it….. I’m REALLY trying…
This is why am Assisted Dying Law HAS to happen in the UK!
I won’t go on about it, I just urge you to think about what YOU would do if you were diagnosed with a life limiting illness? Really, please, take a few minutes to think about what you would want to do in my situation ….
MIND: sleep well tonight 😂🤣😂🤣
Love & hugs ❤️