Yesterday was going to be a great day. I was starting an Aqua Fit group at our local lesuire centre. I’m sure that I have mentioned that I have overhauled our diets (mine & Tims).
This has had a fabulous effect on both of us. Secretly I am feeling pretty darn smug! (Well not so secretly now) The problem I seem to have is… well… there isn’t enough hours in the day anymore 😱 I am enjoying the walking, it is just taking up lot of my day now…
I am getting up and having a coffee then taking Sherlock out. I am walking for a good few hours, this is helping me with my fitness and my mind. I have been feeling a little low for a while and whilst I tell myself it is just the “January blues” I often worry it could be a sign of me not coping!
I don’t know about you but I have a facade that I can put on, it’s a good one and no one other than me, knows that I’m having a hard time. I do this, for me, to save face, to stop others from worrying.. and because if I am lucky, it will pass without any major incidents.
So this brings me to yesterday and aqua fit. I was looking forward to going, yet it was only as the time grew closer that I could feel panic rising from my tummy. “Who else would be there?” “Would I know anyone?” “Where are the toilets” (this is a new one due to Sally Stoma) “Will I wear my wig or not?” “What if it gets wet (doh) and falls off”…, and so on… you get the picture.
Now the thing is I am so much more confident than I have ever been in my whole life. If you meet me you would never know I have anxiety issues and that I am prettified of grown ups.. I cover it well, so well that sometimes I even fool myself.
Cut to the leisure centre, I park,
Take several deep breaths and walk in. There are about 5 older women in front of me, all paying for aqua fit. I wait my turn, anxiety building, the Receptionist says something I don’t quite hear due to the thumping in my ears. I ask her to repeat herself and she does, happily and nicely. “Ok I have got this.”
I walk down the corridor not really knowing where I am going, I see the sign saying “changing rooms” and go to go in. I can see through the glass on the door that there are lots of people. My heart beats faster, thump thump thump thump.. my face stings as I can feel myself “flushing” thank for I have waterproof foundation on.
A lady comes through the door with me and the same time, I take a breath and say “are you here for the aqua fit? I’m on my own and feeing a little anxious.” She smiles and says yes. She is here with her husband and of course I can tag along with her.
I feel rather proud of me! Actually asking for help, taking control and not letting anxiety win. I go to a cubicle and get changed. I decide that no wig will be worn and that I will just buy a swimming hat in future. I get into my costume. Big deep breaths!
I hold my head high and go to the lockers. Omg so many people are turning up for aqua fit! What did I expect? I try to pay no attention to anyone and yet my head is now wondering how to get to the pool, I don’t even know where it is, oh bloody hell!
My hand runs down to my bag. I need to empty it before I get into the pool. Oh god! Where are the loo’s? I struggle with finding a locker. There’s one, at floor height. I put my clothes and bag in, I try to lock it.. it won’t work…. why won’t it work? Omg seriously am I that stupid I can’t work out how a locker works?!?! Panic begins to rise…
Someone bangs into me by mistake. I try and different £1… it still doesn’t work… the noise, oh gosh it has gotten so noisy… my heart starts to race again, I struggle with the locker door…
Someone says something to me, I just look at him, I can see his mouth move but I can’t hear him. My heart is pulsating in my ears, it’s all too noisy, I grab my stuff and go back to the changing room. I hurry and change into my clothes…. I can feel tears forming in my eyes, panic is settling in… I have to get out of here NOW!
I try to leave they the doors that I came in, they won’t open, I claw at the small gap, desperately trying to leave, with my boots and bag in my hand, half of my clothes on, the other thrown into my purple bag. Someone sees me, she pushes the door, I don’t even know if I thanked her, I ran…. ran for my life (ok a little dramatic)
Just as I was leaving through the main doors, I’m aware someone have grabbed my arm and is talking to me. It takes a few seconds… it is the fitness instructor saying something… I mutter “I have to go home” and then I run, I burst into tear and I run to my car.
I get in and drive. I become aware that I must of stood on a thorn. There was no time to put my boots on. I drive, I drive to my safe place… the place I know where nothing can touch me, tears running down my face, sobbing my heart out. Feeling like a fool, an idiot.. I mean what person gets so worked up about aqua fit?
I run to the house and burst through the door. The Hubs is there, holding me, telling me it’s ok, saying it’s all going to be fine… I have got to the stage where I can’t stop sobbing. He hold me. He tells me it’s ok… he says maybe next time he will come and watch me.
I try and tell him not to be ridiculous, in-between the sobs. I am a grown women of 48, I should be able to go to aqua fit on my own.
Slowly my breathing slows, the tears subside, the panic leaves as quick as it came… The Hubs makes a cup of tea and I feel like a fool….
For the rest of the day, I feel vulnerable, emotionally exhausted… and a little stupid. I email the fitness trainer and am just honest, saying that I became overwhelmed and had to leave. A little while later I receive a reply, telling me not to worry and she will see me tomorrow for the gym (bingo wings time)
She also says she will runs through things with me so I know where the toilets are, where the pool is and will show me the lockers and how to use them. That has settled my mind a little, knowing someone understands.
It is 6.52am as I write this, the gym is at 12! Wish me luck
As always
Love & hugs
Anita
#kickingcancersbutt and working on anxiety
My Big Fat British Bladder Tumour 