Soul Tired

I’m tired. Really tired. Soul tired.

The last ten years have been some of the hardest years of my life.

Fighting Small Cell Bladder Cancer broke me. It destroyed parts of me.
But not during it.

A long, long time afterwards.

My body had been through the most traumatic experience I have ever faced. The thing about cancer is that even when it stops taking, it keeps giving. It leaves little footprints in your mind.

Every twinge. Every ache. Every unusual feeling. There is always a tiny voice in the background asking:
“Could it be back?”

We all know how incredibly lucky I have been.

From Stage 4 Small Cell Bladder Cancer with metastases to my bones, liver and lymph nodes… to being cured. Even writing those words feels surreal. (Touch wood.)

I want to be honest with you. My life has changed in such a huge way.

Long gone is Social Anita.

The Anita who lived for Prosecco, cupcakes, laughter-filled nights and saying yes to everything.

Now we are firmly in my healing era.
Healing Anita is quieter.

More reserved.

She tries to do the right thing.
She tries to be there for her friends.
She tries to support others whenever she can.

But the truth is, being chronically ill has a profound impact on her life.
On my life.

She is me.
I am her.

And I think that’s the first time I’ve ever written those words.

“Chronically ill.”

If I’m honest, putting a label on it feels a little scary because somehow writing it down makes it real.

My life has changed beyond recognition.

These days I rarely leave the house unless I have to.

Or unless I’m going to see my wonderful grandson Jackson.
(And yes, my son too. I suppose I should mention him! Love you!)

Maybe the occasional trip to Wetherspoons.

These days I much prefer the peace and safety of my own home to crowds, noise and busy places.

Sometimes my body hurts so much that all I can do is lie still, meditate and let music wash over me while I try to relax every aching muscle.

Some days I go back to bed.
Some days getting dressed feels like an achievement.
Some days simply existing takes all the energy I have…. And yet…

There is still gratitude.
There is still love.
There is still laughter.
There is still purpose.

I have learned that healing isn’t always about getting better.

Sometimes healing is learning how to live alongside what remains.

Learning to be gentle with yourself.
Learning that rest is productive.
Learning that your worth isn’t measured by how much you do.
Learning that surviving something extraordinary changes you forever.

The old Anita isn’t gone. She’s still here.

She just walks a little slower now.
She listens to her body more.
She chooses peace more often.
She protects her energy fiercely.

And perhaps that’s not something to mourn…. Perhaps that’s wisdom.

Cancer may have changed me. Chronic illness may have reshaped my life.But neither has taken my heart.

Neither has taken my compassion.
Neither has taken my ability to love, to laugh, to connect, or to hope.

I am still here.
A little bruised.
A little battered.
A little more cautious.

But still here…… And some days, that is more than enough….