Today I woke up with a huge smile on my face, feeling happy and alive! It is 3 years today that I first saw my bladder tumour…
I feel grateful, thankful, fortunate and so incredibly lucky to still be here. Who knows why I am still here? Who knows what the future will bring but for today I am breathing and living my life the best way I know how!
3 years isn’t that long although sometimes it feels like an age. 3 years! It seems impossible when I think back to those first few months.
The uncertainty, the emotions, the coming to terms with the fact that I am going to die…. and yet… lol and behold … here I am! In 6 weeks I will be become a Nana, yes that’s right, a Nana! Who would of thought it?
It is almost like you have to “mark” the day to see just how far you have come. To make sure that you don’t take any of this life for granted. That you aren’t too frivolous with it, that you don’t forget how you felt because one day, hopefully not soon, we will be headed down that road again!
When I think back to all those tears that were shed, the overwhelming and all consuming emotions… remembering when reality hit me, when my Urologist, Mr N told me the tumour was too big to take out. That it had gone through the bladder wall, into the muscle and fat. That it was small cell and the prognosis was grim.
The Pet scan showing it had gone to the lymph nodes… the liver… the hip and arm bones… we sat in stunned silence! The tears began to fall! It was the only time I wanted to feel brave, be brave and wasn’t…
When the panic set in! I didn’t and don’t want to die, I have too much here that I don’t want to leave.. Today we try to forget about all those feelings, today we celebrate my life and my achievements but its difficult not to remember the bad stuff, the world changing stuff.
Today I will raise a glass of fizzy lemonade, as I can’t drink anymore, to my wonderful Urologist, Urologist Nurses, Oncologist, Chemo Nurse, Surgeons, Consultants and friends that I have met along the way and say thank you, no… a huge THANK YOU for everything that you have done for me, whether it was soothing my fears, making me laugh or handing me to tissues when it all became too much to handle.
I really value each and every one of you because it is down to you that I am still alive, sat in my pjs with my beautiful Sherlock beside me and my husband opposite me ❤️ this moment? Absolutely priceless …
I am so happy to still be alive …
THANK YOU!
My Big Fat British Bladder Tumour 