Living Life to the Fullest – Sometimes its Hard!

Amazing Women

Over the past few weeks I have been lucky enough to meet and chat with some amazing people.  There is the lovely Rachel, who is living with two stoma’s.  She is such a gutsy young lady, who promotes awareness and volunteers in her spare time.  It is such an honour to meet other people who have overcome adversity in their lives and live their lives with such passion and valour.

I was also lucky enough to interview the wonderful Karen, who had no symptoms of bladder cancer and was only diagnosed after being told that they thought her symptoms were “women’s issues”. Karen unfortunately became very unwell with her BCG treatment and now cannot have anymore.  She is such a fabulous woman!

It got me thinking, I wouldn’t have met either of these lovely ladies, had I not been diagnosed with Bladder Cancer. So many exciting things have happened since my diagnosis, and although I would rather not have bladder cancer, I am grateful for everything that I am experiencing right now.

Worlds Biggest Coffee Morning

I have been asked to go the Worlds Biggest Coffee morning, at the Houses of Parliament, in October and have been potentially asked to speak about what its like having a “treatable but not curable” cancer.  Wow, little old me, I am truly speechless. And a little bit scared!

So Why Am I Down?

So why do I feel so miserable?  Why cant I even “fake” happiness today?  I have the world at my feet, I am living an amazing life and yet I feel so close to tears today.  I then feel guilty for feeling this way.   How ungrateful am I?  I should be bouncing about like Tigger and most days I do, just not today.

I’m breathless at lot of the time, huffing and puffing like an old women, this is due to the moderate stage of heart failure I’m in. It scares me.  Not all the time, just some days.  It seems strange that something that saved my life, also damaged my heart. I have an awful dry cough that wakes me up at night although this could be down to the medication I’m taking.

We all have down days I guess, and I tell myself that its ok to feel this way and to just go with the feelings. I worry… I worry about my Husband, he isn’t coping that well at the moment and I feel so helpless, there doesn’t seem to be anything I can do to help. We talk and chat, he tells me he is ok, but I can see he isn’t. He isn’t well himself and I am concerned that the pressure of the last 2 and a half years may finally make him crack up. And who could blame him?

We have gone from ” your wife is going to die very soon” to “wow she is still here, who knows whats going to happen, although she is still considered terminal” how can that not mess with anyones head?  All this pressure as well as holding down a full-time job,  both physically and mentally demanding.

It is emotionally draining.  We have another Pet scan coming up soon, I feel its going to be “no evidence of disease” again, which leaves us in ‘limbo’ land again and although this will be great news it does mess your head up.

We try to live in the “here and now”.  Its difficult at times, sometimes we get really cocky and plan things 6 months in advance and try not to focus on the “will I still be alive then”.  I guess with the heart failure in the picture now it is very “real” that I wont be living into ‘old age” that makes me sad.  Sad for what I will miss

I feel incredibly guilty about feeling down as I have so much to be thankful for. Waking up each day, still breathing, life flowing through my veins, I don’t have a right to feel down.  There are so many other people who are having a really rubbish time right now, what the hell have I got to feel sorry for myself for?

Naughty Step!

Have taken  10 minute “naughty step” to stop myself from moaning…. Let’s hope that it has worked.  I sat outside in the sunshine, listening to the birds, watching my gorgeous fur baby sleep.  I took 10 deep breaths with my eyes closed and reminded myself that the world is my oyster.

Sometimes we have to recognise those sad feelings and then let them go….

I Choose To Be Happy!

Today IS going to be a good day, only I can make that choice.  I can choose to be happy or I can choose to still feel sad. I choose happiness.  Life is so much better when we are smiling.  I have amazing people in my life, I have an amazing life. whats not to love?

I could let all those rubbish health things affect me or I can get on with my life with a huge smile on my face.  I know we are all going to die at some point, and the likelihood is that I will be going a lot sooner than I want too….. not today though so I shall make the rest of my life, the best of my life.

“Happiness is not something ready-made.  It comes from your own actions.” Dalai Lama. I think that says it all….

Thank you for reading this, and if you are having a hard time right now, please know that I send you lots of love and hugs.

“treatable but not curable” cancer.