Blog

And so it begins…. 2019!

Have you ever had a day when you felt really “grown up?” Today is that day for me.. I don’t know why today is the special “grown up” day, it just is.

It’s January, 6th 2019! WOW! 2019!! When I was little, I used to think that we would all be living on the moon and having space aged gadgets.

Ok, so we aren’t living on the moon but look how far technology has come. We have phones which we can take pictures with! We can send emails! We can watch films! We can search the internet! There is a thing called “the internet.”

I don’t really know where I am going with this post, I think it might be about being grateful about your life and who and what you have in it.

It dawned on me the other day that I have a pretty amazing life. The simple fact that I have a life right now is just mind blowing, especially when you think back to 3 years ago. (3!! I can’t believe it, can you?)

I have a warm and loving home. I have a wonderful family, who are much like yours. We all have our faults, differences and quirks but I wouldn’t be without them, they are who makes my life so special and challenging at the same time.

Never in a million years did I ever think I would have this life. Never did I think I would be a “normal” member of society. I have mental health issues, bipolar 2 to be exact!

There was a time when I went off the rails, and yet I couldn’t see it. There was a time when I was an absolute train wreck, bouncing off people and friends. There was a time when my life felt so dark, I felt so alone and yet I had the biggest smile on my face. There was a time when I felt so numb inside, so completely empty and dead, I never thought I would be able to “feel” anything, ever again.

And yet here I am! Sat on my sofa, married to the most wonderful, good man, who makes me laugh every single day. With a grown up Son, who struggles at times, with life, but has the biggest heart I have ever seen.

Here I am with a wonderful relationship and friendship with my Aunt, which I never knew was possible. And I love it. Here I am with relationships with my Mother and Sister that I never thought would ever happen.

Here I am with such wonderful, amazing and gregarious friends. There was a time when I felt I didn’t have any friends, I had driven them away with my behaviour.

I remember a day when I just didn’t want to be alive anymore. I was so tired of the extreme happiness and the desperate lows. My emotions were all over the place, I thought I didn’t belong in this world. I couldn’t cope… I wrote a letter so my Son explaining that he would be better off without me and that I was sorry but I couldn’t take all the pain that I felt in my heart anymore.

I didn’t want the daily struggle with my mind, anymore. I couldn’t keep the pretence up, that I wasn’t coping with life. I just couldn’t….

I poured myself a lot of vodka and took a lot of pills. I cried, I sobbed, I screamed… I became so overcome with emotion that my cries and tears became silent. I was totally empty of angst, there was nothing left inside me.

And then I puked! I puked a lot!

I could see half digested food, the smell alone was enough to make you sick. The sweet smell of alcohol, on its return journey with unrecognisable blobs of food, lovely!

I think I slept for a while. Upon waking the stench hit me, my head felt funny, my eyes, so so sore. I got a drink of water…. f#cking hell I couldn’t even kill myself right!

And that’s when I started to laugh. Not a giggle or a guff but a full on belly laugh! “Goodness me” (or words to that effect 🤪) “this must mean I am meant to still be here”

Those memories are still so raw, still so painful! I’m not sure what lesson I learnt that day other than drinking neat vodka and taking pills, burns and hurts your throat and gives you the biggest headache ever (as well as bad pains elsewhere).

I guess what I want to say is that “no matter how tough, hard or completely exhausting” you find life, hang on in there. Keep learning and growing… life can get better…

I am the living proof.

I am so thankful for today ❤️

Love & hugs 💖

Anita

#stillkickingcancersbutt

And finally being a grown up… 😁

P.S. the hubs and I are going to start a Christmas shopping scene jigsaw…. old Anita would of rather poked her eyes out with a very large stick, than do a jigsaw…. Nana Nita is really excited about the jigsaw, Grandson and whatever else 2019 will bring ❤️

What a Wonderful Month…

Wow, I have been blessed and have been so busy recently, so many wonderful things to look forward to and to take part in.  I am so fortunate that I have been able to raise awareness of bladder cancer and Neuroendocrine cancers.

I spoke at the All Party Parlimentary Group on Cancer at the absolutely amazing Methodist Hall in Westminster.  WOW such a breathtaking building, with a sweeping staircase.  I felt I needed a ballgown to be able to just “float” down those stairs.

It was such a wonderful experience and a huge thank you to Macmillan for asking me to speak at the event.   I really feel honoured and humbled to have taken part, and if my words just touched one person and helped to change perceptions of the incurable/terminally ill cancer patients then I think I will have done what I set out to do.  (Obviously raising awareness of bladder cancer at the same time)

What made my speech so special was that My Aunt and Uncle were there too, along with Tim.  I wanted  to make them proud of who I am and what I am doing.  I guess  its a bit like when you were little and took part in the nativity and your parents came along… thats how I felt. 

This month has also brought the Dying in Dignity campaign as well.  Featuring Yours Truly.  I know that this is a very emotive subject and that we all entitled to our own opinions and that we all have differing opinions.  I fully support #assisteddying as the thought of dying a horrible painful death from cancer is just too much to bear. 

The campaign has gone down well and hopefully people will see that I am just a normal person, with an incurable/terminal disease who would like to take control of my own death and to be really frank I cannot understand why the law hasn’t been passed.  I do understand that safeguards need to be in place.

Im pretty happy with the responses I have received from joining this campaign and they have been mostly positive.  I guess there are always going to be people who say that assisted dying is “suicide” which it is not.   For me it would just give me a reassurance that in my final days/hours I won’t be sedated and kept sedated until my body dies of starvation and dehydration. 

I guess to sum it the last month up, it has been informative and exciting.  who knew that out of something so terrible as a terminal cancer diagnosis, something so good could happen.

Oh and let’s not forget the Daily Mail article….. I hang my head in shame!

Now… its nearly christmas and I push my focus onto my friends and family, whom I love so dearly.  Im super excited this year as our son and his family are staying with us over the festive period,  This means that “Nana Nita” gets lots of practise with the gorgeous Kane and Rowan. 

Its also my birthday on Monday (17th) and usually I am so so so excited about it.  This year, not so much and I am not sure why.  Perhaps it could be that I don’t want to acknowledge that time is passing by although I really have no problem with being 48! 

48…. I really cannot begin to believe that I am nearly 50… It seems just like yesterday that Ashleigh was born and I was in my 20’s and now my baby boy will be 25 on the 27th December.  Where did all that time go?  We blinked and life changed.   

I am so so thankful to still be alive, to still be here, living and breathing and although most days I am in pain, I am having a great life.  Its manageable and on the days it isn’t manageable I have pjs days.  I am determined not to let any of my illnesses define who I am.  I am not my illnesses. 

Erythromyalgia is absolutely awful.  It affects my muscles, my hands and feet, makes my skin feel like I am on fire.  This is getting me down right now, hopefully we will get the medication right soon.  My hand and feet swell and get red hot.  They hurt to use them.  

My feet also get red hot and swell, but this year we have the added bonus of having Raynauds’ as well.  It seems my illnesses are contradictions of each  other.  So I also get numb fingers and toes but my feet feel still feel hot, its the toes and the fingers that go white and numb.

The photo below was just from getting the milk out of the fridge, my fingers turning numb and white. My palms have red splodges on them which is the erythromyalgia 😱

 Last year I had chilblains too.  Chilblains!! I had no idea what they were until the Consultant told me,  I knew my toes hurt badly and just thought I had knocked them. Anyhoo, enough of the moaning and whinging.

I would like to say a huge thank you to you all for supporting us over the last 2 and a half years.  Seems amazing to think I have lasted this long when the diagnosis wasn’t that good.  Thank goodness for chemo/radiotherapy and bladder removal.

So from my family to yours….. We wish you the most Wonderful Christmas ever and a fabulous New Year.

Love & hugs always 

Anita ❤️😘 XX


Please Stop Shaming Us….

So yesterday I reposted a post I wrote  year ago.  It was a very hard post to write and to share with the everyone.  However I decided a long time ago that if I was to share my cancer journey then I would share the good, the bad and all the stuff in between. 

This post was called “Dear Cancer” and it was written by me when I fell apart.  I fell apart as I wasn’t suppose to still be here, to still be alive.  I felt that people were talking about me, that they were thinking that I was a fraud.  I was meant to be dead and yet here I was strutting my stuff, not looking ill either. 

Based on outside appearances, I was rocking life. There looked like there was “nothing wrong” with me.  This is the thing we may look great on the outside but internally, my poor body was struggling to cope with side effects of treatments.

Emotionally, oh my goodness.  I was all over the place. I was struggling, we had blown our savings on making memories and yet here I was, still breathing.  I was still alive, this was not what I was told.  I was told I would be dead by now.  I wondered if my family and friends, although grateful that I was alive, also wondered why I was still breathing?

So where was I?  Oh yes I reshared the post.  I know that social media is a place of free expression and its where we can comment, both good and bad comments.  Yesterday I got a shock.  I received a comment that worried me and to be honest isn’t the first.  Usually if you write anything heartfelt or emotional, someone, somewhere usually puts something about “positivity”.

So this is the comment…… ” what about your POSITIVITY AND HOPE, ANITA ITS CALLED REAL LIFE I’VE BEEN WALKING ROUND WITH IT FOR 59 YEARS AND STILL WALKING AND GOING TO CONTINUNE TIL I GO, HOLD ON IN MY PRAYERS.”  

At first I was taken back. This person doesn’t know me.  They doesn’t know how positive I am or not.  What they have done is read a post and “judged” me on that post.  They haven’t bothered to notice that I had written this post a year ago nor do they know about MY rare cancer! It’s not a normal NET!

Now its bad enough we get judged on a daily basis just for being us (with or without an illness) but please do not tell me how to live with MY illness.  MY cancer.  Just because you may have the “same type” on the surface does not give you the right to challenge ME on how I deal with things.  To try and make me feel ashamed with the way I have dealt with things.

I don’t want to do “my cancer is worst than yours” rubbish as everything is relative.  We all deal with situations differently because we are different people and we all have very different coping mechanisms.  

My journey and my emotional and physical pain is no different to yours, its no better, its no worse.  Things may seem totally insignificant to you but maybe for me they are challenges, they are emotional struggles and just because someone has sailed through their journey doesn’t make it any better or any less emotional or painful than my journey.

I am really getting fed up with being judged, with being told to stay positive and to have hope or faith.  I am fed up of being shamed for how I feel at any given moment.  

It seems that we are being judged and shamed by a small minority of others going through their own Cancer journey and others who have absolutely any idea of what we are going through.  But just because you have cancer or not, does not give you the right to shame someone else into feeling bad about themselves, just because they aren’t dealing with things they way you would deal with it. Thats not ok. Really NOT ok.

I hate these words “be positive, be brave” they are the most patronising and condescending things to say to anyone who is having a hard time.  How on earth do you think those words are going to help?  What do you think they are going to make the person feel like?  It is not a helpful thing to say to anyone EVER!

We already have enough on our plates, getting through the treatments and side effects, we already know that being positive gives our spirit a lift.  we know that being positive is the ONLY choice we have.  We do not need others telling us “how to be” when we are perfectly aware of how we feel.

Being positive all the time is not attainable.  After all, in normal life you don’t walk around like “Mr flipping Happy” all the time do you?  So let us deal with OUR emotions as and when we feel fit.  Let US deal with our illness the way we want to and STOP trying to shame us when we feel low and depressed.  

We need to go through these emotions, you cant have the sunshine without the rain, you can’t have happiness without sadness.  To deny the “rubbish” feelings means that you arent dealing with ALL of the issues that terminal/Incurable cancers and other life limiting illnesses can bring.

And if you are one of the 359,360 people who are diagnosed with some type of cancer each year, please think about how you comment on posts on social media.  Please think about how your words will effect the person you are speaking/writing too!

Love, compassion, empathy and understanding have such a wonderful place in our world, so lets use them. Lets build each other up, Lets support each other.  Lets speak about the down side of cancer, lets tell each other when its a rubbish day.  When its too hard to get off the sofa, when the tears are running down our faces. When we are sobbing uncontrollably because for this moment, right here, right now, we can’t take anymore.

Love & hugs always 

Anita

#stillkickingcancersbutt! ❤️❤️

What a week…..

What can I say?  This week has been one of the best weeks of my cancer journey.  I was so very privileged to have been asked to write a small speech on Incurable but Treatable cancers for Macmillan’s Biggest Coffee Morning at the Houses of Parliament.  W.O.W! 😮

I am still in shock.  It was such an amazing day and despite being really nervous, I actually pulled it off and even surprised myself at how composed I was.  I really wanted to get the message out there that it isn’t all magical after treatment stops, it isn’t easy to forget that you are living with something that will kill you.

Every glorious, happy event, and moments, you have are tinged with sadness at times “Will this be my last birthday?  My last Christmas, the last time I get to celebrate New Year?”  You try as hard as you can not to live like this however it is never far from your mind.  Being able to say this In the Jubilee rooms at The Houses of Parliament was an absolute honour.  It still feels like a dream.

Being able to spread and promote awareness and the actualities of living with a terminal cancer is such privilege.  I have often wondered why I am still here?  Why haven’t I died?  Whats so special about me?  I think I now know why?  It is to help others, support others, be kind and compassionate towards others.  To make this life the BEST life I can and in serving others, I have found that.  WOW I am so fortunate to still be here. ❤️❤️

Anyways….As  I am sure you have all seen the Speech at the Houses of Parliament so I won’t waffle on too much about it. (if you haven’t where have you been lol?)   Other than really say a HUGE thank you to #Macmillan for allowing me to be there (still can’t believe it), Thank you to Lynda (the CEO of MM) Ben, Colin, Lucy….. for looking after myself, Tim and my Bestie Viv.  It was really lovely to meet everyone and if I have missed anyone out it is because this stupid brain of mine doesn’t remember a lot these days, so sorry.

Its horrid getting old isn’t it?  I think you know you are getting old when you have to “Google” how to spell words you know, you know how to spell but you just can’t remember how this very second!!!  THIS is happening a lot to me recently. 😱

Oh gosh where was I? Oh this wonderful week.. I keep watching the speech and thinking I just cannot believe that that lady standing there so confident, holding a room full of people with something she has written herself…..oh bl##dy hell thats ME!!  I just can’t believe how much I have grown, how strong I am, how funny I am?   Have you ever really sat down an thought about who you actually are??

I then held a conversation with a Lord for goodness sake.  Yes me, the foul mouthed sailor and I managed to express where my words had come from and why, without using swear words.?  OMG I just can’t believe that that is me, but it is isn’t it?

Please believe me when I write and say how overwhelming it all is and to actually be making a difference.  ITS FLIPPIN’ AMAZING! I don’t want to come across as bighearted because I’m genuinely not… Never In a million years did I ever think my life would have such a positive effect on others ❤️ this makes me happy

I had a lovely email from Colin yesterday asking me to speak at the annual “Britain Against Cancer” Conference in December….. OMG OMG OMG! OMG I am soon excited, nervous, in shock… how amazing.  What an honour.  Obviously after squealing and jumping up and down, I replied and said “Yes”.  Someone pinch me now.  He also said that he had never seen a reaction to a speech like mine… WOW… something I wrote actually had a huge effect on those people in that room.❤️

Also this week the #DyinginDignity campaign came out and I am heavily involved in this.  You are all going to be sick of the sight of me soon sorry!  So basically I want the choice on how I get to die.  I believe that we should be allowed to end our own life if our quality of life will become unbearable.  `for instance: with a terminal or life limiting illness in which we could suffer when actually.

This is hugely important to me, and to many others… please support us if you can and if you are against it, well that’s good too as this is a democracy and we are all allowed to have our own opinions.

I have just watched an advert and it was a cancer related one. I have a question… Why are we being patronised? I know they are trying to show us “cancer people” as people not as statistics but really… we aren’t all sad and upset. We aren’t all doom and gloom. More people now than ever before are living with a terminal diagnosis! Show us how we really are; laughing & joking, going to work, cleaning the loo’s because life has to go on with cancer.

Some of the adverts are so cheesy I really dislike them. Saying that I doubt I could think of anything better. Just an observation. I do love the little boy in the “Head, shoulders, cheese on toast” advert, he is a little sweetheart and I’m so glad to see a follow up advert showing that he is doing so well. ❤️

Well I think I have waffled on enough, thank you all for your lovely support and love… it makes such a wonderful difference to my life 😘

Love & hugs always 💜

Anita

#kickingcancersbutt

PET Scan Day…….

Hello you lovely lot

Today is a PET scan day… Now I hate these days for two reasons… reason 1: it is such a rigmarole.  I have to get here an hour early so that they can cannulate me down in St Martha’s (which is cancer centre of Mount Alvernia)  I get my arm “cooked” and then when its warm enough they try to cannulate me.  Now my veins are sh#t even without chemo going through them, so it does take a bit of time and a couple of ‘tries”.

Second reason is: It reminds me that we are waiting for it to comeback! Enough said there I think.

Moving swiftly on, I have been so very busy recently, not only with #bladddercancer stuff but some really exciting news (of course I did the video last week) just in case you didn’t see it…. IM GOING TO BE A NANA!  I still cant quite believe it, how very blessed we are.

This week I shall also be in London for Macmillan’s Biggest Coffee Morning at the Houses Of Parliament….OMG OMG…. just how amazing is this? What a wonderful platform to speak about ”Incurable but Treatable Cancers.” Yes I am nervous, however I cannot wait to wear my wonderful dress that #Tesco made especially for me. (I still pinch myself) I will stand there with pride and honour.   I know its not a “huge” thing  to most people however this means a lot to me.  Lets hope lots of MP actually turn up and are interested not just “doing their duty”.

There are so many wonderful, amazing stories/blogs out there.  So many people with cancer living their lives.  So many people doing brave and spectacular things to raise money for their charities and to bring awareness to their cancer.  I salute you, I normally have just about enough energy to make a coffee in the morning let alone run a bl##dy marathon. Or climb a really HUGE hill or mountain.  I wish I could be like them, a little.

It is surprising what we can achieve when we put our minds to it.  NOTHING is impossible.   We can do ANYTHING we want to  (providing it doesn’t harm or hurt anyone else). How wonderful is that? whatever your hopes and dreams are, hold on to them, believe in them and yourself and you will go a long way. Even in the face of adversity dreams can be achieved.

My dream is to just make people happy. Life is too short to spend it miserable.  I would like people to know what a walking miracle they are?  How truly fabulous it is to wake up each morning and have another day to make a change, to make a choice, to live a really great life. How lucky are we to have that?

Yes we have work, housework shopping etc, you don’t have to be miserable. If you don’t like you job, then change it… and yes it may take a bit of hard work from you, but you can change it. Housework… well no one wants to live in a pigsty do they, so it has to be done.  Turn the music on and have a boogie whilst you are doing it.  Sing your heart out, it does make it seem a lot easier to do when you are happy.

I know the world isn’t a perfect place and I know there is a great deal of sadness and evil out there. I choose not to see it. It isn’t a case of being ignorant, its a case of protecting yourself.  I find the News too much now.  Everyday just more heartache, more troubles, more stabbing, more upset and I cant cope with it all.  So… I simply now choose not to watch or ready this stuff. I know that if something important happens then I will hear about it, I just don’t actively read all the bad stuff anymore.

We need to believe in ourselves.  I was that student who would get A’s and Distinctions but still never really believed that I was worthy.  I never actual thought I was a little bit clever, I never believed in who I was. It didn’t matter what anyone else thought of me, I didn’t think that much of me at all.  How sad is that?

I bet there are lots of you out there feeling the same as I did.  Stop! Just breathe….  connect with nature, go for a long walk or just sit in a field.  Really look at everything around you, the trees, the grass.  Notice the wind… is it blowing? Or is it still?  How often do we take time out of our day just to “notice” our surroundings?

You, reading this, are totally amazing, you have the power to do anything you want to do, so do it!  You are strong enough, you are brave enough, you are enough, so set those dreams high and go for it!

Im a dreamer, Im a girl with big ideas and hope. I would like everyone to really realise just how special each day is, how special we are and how you can make your life anything you want it to be. And its NEVER too late to do anything.

Think BIG, think really BIG.  What can we do for other people on a daily basis?  You can help others simply by being “nice”.  Have you ever had a compliment on how you were looking on a particular day?  Can you remember how that made you feel?  You carried that feeling with you all day.  I bet you thought about it a few times over the day too and I bet it made you smile, more than once?

You see it’s the smallest things that make us happy, and by sharing the happiness nice we create a ripple effect….. so tell people they look amazing, be kind and open the door for someone, let another car go first. compliment others on their perfume…. so so many things we can do to make others feel good, which in turn empowers us….The secret is is in your smile… make it a big one.
WIshing you all a great day

Love & hugs

Anita
#Kickingcancersbutt (still lol)

Rainy Days… and Sundays

Today.. Well today is a good day.  A day for me! A day where I don’t have to walk Sherlock and Tim is at work.  A PJ DAY!! Hurrah, don’t you just love them?  I do and I know that I am lucky to have them.  Perhaps I shouldn’t be having so many but who cares?

Today was supposed to be about the writing and then I wanted to start reading a book I have had for a while but haven’t quite gotten round to it.  Sounds delightful doesn’t it?  It has been NOTHING like that.  I got the baking bug today, I’m covered in flour.  Why is it you only remember to put your pinny on once you are already covered in flour, butter smears and have trodden in a blob of “something” that has fallen on the floor?

I LOVE it.  I used to be really good at it. (even if I have to say that myself lol)  Now I’m a car crash just waiting to happen.  I’m inpatient, I’m forever changing the recipes to fit with what I have in the house, muscovado sugar is brown sugar right?  Sometimes I even think the recipe is boring (sorry Jamie & James) so I add an “anita twist” to it.

Those are the days where the Son decides he may just get a takeaway on the way home.  I find that a little unfair. (Boo) However on a few occasions my “anita twists” have been downright disgusting and I should just stop! Just Stop!  I just can’t help myself, I have to constantly read and re-read the recipes, checking how much is needed for this… or for that… oh thats about right I think…. lol so its no wonder nothing ever turns out to be that yummy!  I switch between wanting “perfection” and “am sure thats the right amount”

On the days where I have cooked a MASTERPIECE.  You know the one, the one that does actually belong on “Masterchef,’  I usually have no idea how I have made it as I have just chucked “this and that in” and I never measure.  So what tastes good one week, may not taste the same the next time it is cooked.  In fact it could almost be a completely different recipe.

We used to laugh about “Sausage Surprise”.  That was Jean, from Eastenders and I guess I can relate to her and her portrayal of someone with Bipolar.  I have moments wheres its ll full on.  If I’m doing something, I am “DOING IT WITH FLAIR” ,with enthusiasm  and its usually over the top.

If you are like me, you have about 3 things on the go at once, Olive bread up in the airing cupboard proving, making parmesan cookies and have lemon cupcake in the oven AND I’m still wondering what else I can do?  We won’t talk about the 3 ingredient rolls, they came out looking like light brown dog poops!

I hadn’t thought it through when I decided to do a lemon drizzle cake in a long loaf tin…. I cut it in half and it still wouldn’t fit so I cut a huge chunk off the end and ate it.. Perfect! Problem solving abilities!

Im loving it, I have the radio on, singing along to Bewitched. Sherlock is in the lounge napping as he knows there is no chance of getting a treat off me.  I know I’m not a great baker or chef but I try.  I really do.  And it helps me.  Its therapeutic, its calming, unless you are me and are now looking for the wooden spoon you like.

My favourite wooden spoon… I think I threw it out when I was delcuttering, a few weeks ago.. Nagdamnit. I knew I shouldn’t of thrown it away.  Yes it was broken and a little bit burnt, but I liked it, i liked the way it “spooned” lol.

I am making bits and bobs for the Hubs’s lunchbox.  I feel a little bit like  50’s housewife however I have my sarong tied above my boobs and my pink fluffy slipper boots on… and no make up, I doubt any self respecting 50’s house wife would be constantly tying up her sarong whilst one of her boobs, tries to make an escape as I bend down to open the oven door.   OUCH!  Hot boobs!

I take a break and come and sit, I can hear the rain on the conservatory roof, its pleasant but if it gets and harder it will drive me mad. Its so loud and Im in a quiet, withdrawn place today.

The oven pings…. oh golly gosh, my flapjack things are done… they look ok.  The recipe says cut them into 12 now and then let them cool. I try to but its not working….. For some reason they are falling apart, crumbling, disintegrating into nothing. Another lot for the bin, although I will see if I can rescue them by just pressing them back together……NOPE…. Maybe!

Must go and check the olive bread…… brb (omg haven’t used that since the Yahoo chatrooms of the 90’s) Ok so the olive bread needed to be kneaded again and then left to rest.  I quickly had another go of making the parmesan biscuits too.  They look better this time, so thats in the fridge chilling.

The flapjacks are a bit crumbly however they are nice….. I do love baking…. What I really don’t like is the amount of washing up it creates. For goodness sake I think I have now washed the same bl##dy bowl out about 5 times now.  Its endless and then its like playing adult “Jenga” trying to balance everything on top of each other so it can all dry.

Oh and then the one thing that you need right now, that small measuring jug is underneath the vast mountain.  Good luck getting it without it all falling and knocking the fruit bowl off the side.  (Stupid place to put the fruit bowl, however it looks classy)

Also not forgetting the “bin” where you have chucked those eggshells in because you haven’t quite gotten round to “composting”.  (Is that still a thing?). The empty packet of flour which can’t be recycled because you dropped an egg on it.  Its “tainted.”   That too gets thrown in the already rather full bin.

Urgh… so much mess to clean up, not forgetting the Dog, who came in to say hi. He sniffed and snuffled over the floor and then left.  When he left he had stood in “something” that was on the floor and has now proceeded to walk it in to the living room…. OMG I need this lemon wipes now!

The bin, which hasn’t been emptied in days and has just been “pushed” down to create more room for more rubbish, has now decided it doesn’t want to be emptied.  I have tied the handles together, and my fluffy slippers are holding on to the bottom of the bin whilst I’m pulling away….. arrrggghhhhhh!

Giving the bag a wiggle, trying to ease it out gently… raaaarrrrrrrrr… Nope, its positively stuck in there.  Makes me remember a time when I suggested to the Hubs that perhaps we could dill a hole into the bottom of the bin, thus breaking the suction.  He agreed it was a great idea…. yet to be accomplished!

I wrestle with the bin, for about 20 minutes, …. well maybe a slight exaggeration, could  of been  about 2 minutes but it definitely felt like a long time.  I decide to leave that job for the Hubs, in the hallway, for when he gets in and will, no doubt, remind him of “drilling a hole” conversation.  Implying that, if that had been done then I would of emptied the bin.  (yeah right)  I can’t be trusted with a drill otherwise I would have a go myself.

Off to check on the Olive bread now.  I absolutely love olive bread and have discovered a great recipe.  Today I have added other stuff into the dough , so its all a bit of a “wait and see” moment.  Update have checked the oven and its not looking good.   I check the bottom of the tin of yeast I used, it said 2016…. Opps! I think thats perhaps why it hasn’t risen.  So off to do another one……

Still if they ever give out medals for being a “Tryer’ I should have wall full.  You see thats what life is about “Trying”.   Trying isn’t failing.  Trying isn’t anything to be ashamed of.  Being a “Tryer” means you are fabulous.   You will give anything a go and will put 110% into it.  You will experience so many beautiful things that life has to offer.  And whilst it doesn’t always go your way, you pick yourself up and go and find something else to “Try”.  The World needs “Tryers”

If it makes you happy and doesn’t hurt anyone else in the process then carrying on.  Baking makes me happy, and I will try to bake or cook anything.  Sometimes we are grateful for the local takeaways.

It does take another 3 frikkin days to clean the kitchen up, as I am forever finding bits of flour behind the toaster or behind the mixer.  I swear it wasn’t there when I was cleaning up.

Tonight the darling Hubs has a seafood spaghetti thanks to Jamie O.  Did struggle where to get bl##dy squid ink at 3,50pm on a Sunday?   So have given it an “Anita’s twist” and have used oyster sauce with a bit of soy sauce, fingers crossed and lets hope for the best. (update added a squish of lemon juice too)

I guess if there was ever a “moral” for this post, its “keep on trying” even if you are rubbish at it, keep doing it if you enjoy it.

Love and hugs

Anita

#kickingcancersbutt

Mental Health Day

Yesterday was #worldmentalhealthday and for this the Hubs, Sherlock and I went on a rather long, but slow, walk on the sea front.  You see we don’t often take time out of our busy days to focus on ourselves.  Life is usually filled with chores, shopping and writing.

I had noticed for a while that both the Hubs and I were stuck in a rut, doing the same things over and over again, each day seemed to blend into another day and to be perfectly honest we were beginning to drift apart.  Not through anyones fault but due to the pressure of this life.

I have my writing to keep me busy and The hubs has his motorbike and friends.  I began to notice we were living almost seperate lives apart from our “home life” which is basically chores, all work and no play.  I had become aware that I wasn’t feeling fulfilled nor particularly happy.  My health issues had begun to take over and I was lacking in sleep., BIG TIME!

I cannot remember the last time I slept all night, certainly not since my bladder removal, last year.  I put this down to having night bag attached to me, making it difficult when I am tossing and turning in bed. My body felt achey, my limbs heavy, my mind was all over the place.  Emotionally I was worn out.

I take medication for my bipolar disorder daily so I know my “triggers’, I know what to look for when I am not feeling well.  I had begun to not enjoy my music.  This is a huge trigger as music is my lifeline.  Music has always been my saviour.  For now, I would drive the car in silence, there would be no singing my head off to the Foo’s, no wailing alongside some 80’s music.  This signalled to me that there was a problem.

I also loved taking Sherlock out for our special walk each morning, however this had begun to feel like a chore. I was snappy, irritable and shouting a lot at the cats for getting under my feet all the time.  I had even stopped baking, something which I love doing. Even a visit from the Son brought more anxiety than it did happiness.  Something had to give.

On the outside and others I still appeared to be the “same old Anita”, smiling away,  I would try to be so happy on the outside and yet on the inside I was struggling.  Struggling with life!  I had begun to spend a lot of time in my pjs, on the sofa, not really doing much. I didn’t have the attention span to watch a whole film, no matter how good the film was.

By the time the Hubs got home, I was frustrated, frustrated and annoyed that he had been able to go out and live his life and yet here I was, struggling with the heart failure, fluid on the lungs, Raynauds and the bloody Erythromyalgia.  I felt I had “become” my illnesses.  Fed up, p##sed off and so unhappy with myself.

So what could I do? How could I get out of this “slump.” How could I try and take control back and feel happier?  The first thing I needed to address was my sleeping issues.  I had some sleeping tablets in the cupboard which were mine, I just hadn’t used them, so I decided that I would take 2 that evening.

I was becoming an emotional wreck, crying because I felt so exhausted.  I would wake up at 4am, lie there till 5.30am and then get up.  I would try and tackle the day as I usually would but everything was so much more difficult.  Walking Sherlock was exhausting, doing the shopping was awful, and I was becoming much more irritable than I have been, and swearing at old ladies isn’t a route I wanted to go down.

I took the tablets and went off to bed.

7am!! 7am thats what time I woke, I cannot remember the last time I slept till 7am.  I felt refreshed, I felt that I had slept, properly.  After having a chat with the Hubs, he informed me that I must of snored for most of the night, that I didn’t toss nor turn.  I was dead to the world.  WOOO HOOO

We then sat down to work out what to do about our ‘mental health,’   and how to look after our souls and spirit.  The Hubs takes antidepressants due to the rocky journey we are on.  So it has been so important to find things to do to help us both.  To lift our moods and make us connect again with each other.

Lets face it ‘LIFE’ does get in the way of everything, it can become monotonous, it can become boring, the same old stuff every day…. YAWN!  So we have decided that we will take time for “US”.

We took a lovely walk to Petworth Park,with Sherlock and yesterday we went to the seaside and walked again, so exercising and clearing out the cobwebs too!

We are committed to each other, we love each other, we both suffer with depression so its always easy to slip into bad habits, however we are aware this is my “extra time” this is my “bonus” time and we want to make this happy time, not just me sat waiting to die.  So we now have put things place.  Things that we can do for each other and ourselves.

Team Brown 1 Mental Heath 0

Have a great day ❤️❤️

Love & hugs always 💜

Anita

#kickingcancersbutt