And so it begins…. 2019!

Have you ever had a day when you felt really “grown up?” Today is that day for me.. I don’t know why today is the special “grown up” day, it just is.

It’s January, 6th 2019! WOW! 2019!! When I was little, I used to think that we would all be living on the moon and having space aged gadgets.

Ok, so we aren’t living on the moon but look how far technology has come. We have phones which we can take pictures with! We can send emails! We can watch films! We can search the internet! There is a thing called “the internet.”

I don’t really know where I am going with this post, I think it might be about being grateful about your life and who and what you have in it.

It dawned on me the other day that I have a pretty amazing life. The simple fact that I have a life right now is just mind blowing, especially when you think back to 3 years ago. (3!! I can’t believe it, can you?)

I have a warm and loving home. I have a wonderful family, who are much like yours. We all have our faults, differences and quirks but I wouldn’t be without them, they are who makes my life so special and challenging at the same time.

Never in a million years did I ever think I would have this life. Never did I think I would be a “normal” member of society. I have mental health issues, bipolar 2 to be exact!

There was a time when I went off the rails, and yet I couldn’t see it. There was a time when I was an absolute train wreck, bouncing off people and friends. There was a time when my life felt so dark, I felt so alone and yet I had the biggest smile on my face. There was a time when I felt so numb inside, so completely empty and dead, I never thought I would be able to “feel” anything, ever again.

And yet here I am! Sat on my sofa, married to the most wonderful, good man, who makes me laugh every single day. With a grown up Son, who struggles at times, with life, but has the biggest heart I have ever seen.

Here I am with a wonderful relationship and friendship with my Aunt, which I never knew was possible. And I love it. Here I am with relationships with my Mother and Sister that I never thought would ever happen.

Here I am with such wonderful, amazing and gregarious friends. There was a time when I felt I didn’t have any friends, I had driven them away with my behaviour.

I remember a day when I just didn’t want to be alive anymore. I was so tired of the extreme happiness and the desperate lows. My emotions were all over the place, I thought I didn’t belong in this world. I couldn’t cope… I wrote a letter so my Son explaining that he would be better off without me and that I was sorry but I couldn’t take all the pain that I felt in my heart anymore.

I didn’t want the daily struggle with my mind, anymore. I couldn’t keep the pretence up, that I wasn’t coping with life. I just couldn’t….

I poured myself a lot of vodka and took a lot of pills. I cried, I sobbed, I screamed… I became so overcome with emotion that my cries and tears became silent. I was totally empty of angst, there was nothing left inside me.

And then I puked! I puked a lot!

I could see half digested food, the smell alone was enough to make you sick. The sweet smell of alcohol, on its return journey with unrecognisable blobs of food, lovely!

I think I slept for a while. Upon waking the stench hit me, my head felt funny, my eyes, so so sore. I got a drink of water…. f#cking hell I couldn’t even kill myself right!

And that’s when I started to laugh. Not a giggle or a guff but a full on belly laugh! “Goodness me” (or words to that effect 🤪) “this must mean I am meant to still be here”

Those memories are still so raw, still so painful! I’m not sure what lesson I learnt that day other than drinking neat vodka and taking pills, burns and hurts your throat and gives you the biggest headache ever (as well as bad pains elsewhere).

I guess what I want to say is that “no matter how tough, hard or completely exhausting” you find life, hang on in there. Keep learning and growing… life can get better…

I am the living proof.

I am so thankful for today ❤️

Love & hugs 💖

Anita

#stillkickingcancersbutt

And finally being a grown up… 😁

P.S. the hubs and I are going to start a Christmas shopping scene jigsaw…. old Anita would of rather poked her eyes out with a very large stick, than do a jigsaw…. Nana Nita is really excited about the jigsaw, Grandson and whatever else 2019 will bring ❤️

Published by Anita Brown

Anita was diagnosed with Small Cell Bladder cancer at 46, she lives with her husband Tim, her son Ashleigh and their fur babies, Sherlock the dog, Barney the bunny, Ollie, Fuggers and Moma Cat the cats and Bob the fish. (we don't talk about Bob). They all live in Hampshire, after being diagnosed Anita started a Facebook page detailing her journey with cancer called “My Big Fat British Bladder Tumour”

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